Friday, July 29, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Do Not Hug the Golem

A golem is the best friend you could have. Forget slutty eternal elves. Forget conniving humans. Just because they're your species, or have blood in their veins, or brains and personalities to match that blood, does not make them good friends or reliable business partners. In fact, all those features make them distinctly bad business partners.

One reason you want the golem as a best friend is that he'll never hog the seats during travel. If there's only room for one on the carriage, he'll let you sit. If you only have one horse, he'll let you ride it. He will walk.

Another reason you want the golem as your best friend is that when you're stranded in the middle of the wilderness, he won't kill the carriage’s horse for food. He doesn't eat except when he's nervous, and then he only snacks on dirt. You can't ride dirt to safety.

Also, once the horse has been cooked and gone bad, your golem best friend won't turn on you. He won't try to cannibalize your left arm under the rationalization that you're a righty.

The golem best friend also won't run off in the middle of the night, abandoning you once it's obvious that he can't eat you in your sleep.

The golem is a better friend because he will actually carry you back to civilization. You’ll be sick from hunger, utterly useless to him, and he’ll cradle you in his craggy arms until homes are in sight. Even when the villagers run at him with pitchforks and torches, he'll stay with you until you get a hot meal.

Now after that, he will run away. To be fair, all best friends will run away once you're safe and people are stabbing them with farm equipment.

However very few best friends will then loiter on the city limits, hiding behind the biggest tree available, until you're healthy and ready to disembark.

The only downside to the golem best friend is that he'll break your ribs when he hugs you upon seeing you again.

Do not hug the golem.

21 comments:

  1. where DO you come up with these ideas? very funny. i love golems myself, but from a good distance. peace...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the heads-up on the hugging bit, John. It has been duly noted. All friends run away? How sad. Maybe that's why I don't have any. :P

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love the world-building specificity of this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Very clever — hurrah for the golem! (But don't try to hug it, gotcha.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. But after all that, I want to hug the golem.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I want a golem!!!!

    I have visions of Roger from Hellboy while reading this. I realise he is a homunculus but let's not split hairs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Makes me want my own golem too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good advice. Are there any rules about naming your golem?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sounds like someone has had bad experience with human friends/business partners.

    (I will keep from hugging all golems in the future)

    ReplyDelete
  10. If my golem ever runs away, I'm gonna NEED a hug. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Very clever. Your "pen" twists and turns sand, dusts and scraps of life into fanciful pictures, like the insides of a kaleidoscope.

    ReplyDelete
  12. But they give such good hugs.
    Adam B @revhappiness

    ReplyDelete
  13. He sounds like the perfect travelling partner!

    I shall carry a sign when I next meet a golem that says don't hug me just kiss my hand ;)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Duly noted...will not hug the golem. Knowing my luck, it would snap in two and crush me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Now I want a golem friend. Do you think they hang around Target or Panera? Because I could totally do that. :D

    ReplyDelete
  16. JOHN... that creative well of yours runs way way deep...

    ReplyDelete
  17. Nice timing on the humor. Don't know that I want to live life as a golem, but I'll keep in mind they make good friends.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LMAO! I actually got done reading The Golem's Eye a week ago, so reading this made it even funnier. But really... do not hug the golem. They hug like boas.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You make me smile.
    It sometimes takes me all week to get to reading friday flash, but I always make sure I read yours.

    Someday, I'll even get in the habit of stopping by every day.

    ReplyDelete

Counter est. March 2, 2008