Monday, July 18, 2011

True Stories of John 10: You Can’t Stop John Carpenter

So in the dream, I went to a nerd convention. It’s beige everywhere, which means it’s sweltering. I wipe the sweat stinging my eyes and out of nowhere, John Carpenter busts through the line. He grabs me.

"You've got to see my new premiere,” he says, all excited. “I made a shark movie."

Now in my dreams, nobody likes me. I'm lucky for any peaceful coexistence. But this dude is so happy that I'm here, he drops cash to get me into the convention. We pass through the lines, and everybody’s like, “John Carpenter. You can’t stop John Carpenter.”

We sit in the back of this cramped theatre full of felt-lined seats. Smoke’s everywhere, but it doesn’t bother my allergies, possibly solely because John Carpenter has his arm around me.

He explains, "It's this shark movie, right? Like Jaws, but in a lake. And blue. And bad ass."

"I like bad ass sharks." I might not have said that, but I sure felt it.

"I know you do!” he responds, regardless of whether or not I said it. “But I wanted him to be bad ass, so Freddy Kruger plays the shark."

I can't remember much of the movie, except for Robert Englund’s head being visible between some mechanical jaws a couple of times.

I spent the viewing mostly leaning into the aisle to high-five people who were jazzed that John Carpenter loved me so much. Eventually the theatre became a food court, and I started telling people about how cool being at this now-non-existent viewing was. John Carpenter thought it was hilarious and offered me a cigar, then a limo, then a gift shop. Not things from a gift shop – he offered to purchase the gift shop itself.

I looked around this big glass jewelry store he wanted to give, wondering what I’d take home. Then I looked up, and he was gone. And this is the only low part of the dream. I felt sharp anxiety because there was no way I could find him again. Because folks: I didn't know what John Carpenter looked like. Even after the dream, I had to look it up. Then it was all, "Yeah, right, a healthier Crypt Keeper," but still, I felt like I'd insulted a good man. You can't stop John Carpenter.


  1. I looked up John Carpenter before I finished your spot, just for reference. That made the ending that much funnier. Robert Englund as the shark? That is inspired.

    Don't you love how in dreams scenes melt together?

  2. Bravo, bravo, bravo!
    This was HILARIOUS!

  3. Wow, that surrealism perfectly synched with my unresponsive brain this morning! Great story. Did you actually dream something like this?

  4. So you and John Carpenter are buds now, huh? Cool! I' hoping the two of you got to discuss the movie version of your novel before he vanished. :)

    You really captured the feel of a dream with this. The way the scenes change without warning and certain elements are left unknown (like what he looks like).

  5. Mr. FAR, I had this exact dream. It was an unusual one for me in how linear it went and that somebody actually liked me. The sheer novelty made me write it down.

    Dreams are so weird. And yeah Chuck, I'd love even dream-Carpenter to adapt one of my stories.

  6. At first I wasn't sure if it was a dream or another piece of fiction. This was a fun one!

  7. Gotta talk with you about dreams sometime, man. That was awesome.

  8. I saw his first film he directed Dark Star but I still had to look up what he looked like. Ha that did indeed make your dream even funnier - thanks for the laugh ^__^

  9. This was such a fun dream that I think you should make a note of whatever it was you ate right before bed and have that at least once a month.

    [well, unless it was a meal made from the skin of twenty virgins-- you might only want to do that once a year or so --what with the economy and all....]


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