Bathroom Monologue: Stop Improving, Please

Click here to hear this indignant rant.

“Stop improving yourself this instant! What were you thinking? I had a static mental image of you as the lazy, drunken shithead who abused me in home room ten years ago. Why are you sobering up? Quit donating to that diabetes charity. And who the fuck said you could be a fireman? Who gave you the right to grow as a person? And especially, to grow into a better person after I was enjoying imagining you living in the gutter forever. Do you know how annoying it is to see someone you hate improve? No, put down the God damned steamed carrots or someday you’ll lose the pot belly. I need you to have a pot belly, asshole. Because I have a bit of one, and I don’t donate to charity, and I gave up on being a fireman when I was twelve and you pulled me off the jungle gym because you were an asshole. And you’re still an asshole! An asshole for taking your shitty self away from me. Can you imagine the distress I’d undergo if one morning I woke up respecting you? Jesus Christ, man. All you think about is other people, when what I need you to do is only think about yourself. Is it that hard?”