Friday, November 4, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Demake

Come 2013, demakes are going to be the thing in Hollywood. It’s empirical fact that uncreativity is much easier than creativity. Sequels, series, spinoffs, prequels and remakes were all bold ideas. Demakes will take the cycle of uncreativity into the future by way of the past with STANLEY’S KUBRICK’S TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

We can all agree that the second Transformers movie sucked. But imagine if the male lead wasn’t onscreen so much, and he wasn’t played by SHIA LABEOUF. Instead, he was a brooding JAMES DEAN. His lady love? A freshly-minted blonde MARILYN MONROE. Onscreen chemistry unlike anything you’ve ever seen, built from what you’ve already seen.

Using cutting edge computer synthetics, the thousands of words dead actors spoke in dozens of moods will be recycled into millions of possible performances. And using both stock footage and CGI modeling, their likenesses can be pasted into new scenarios. How far can we take it? I’ll give you the future in one sentence.


Our favorite part is that simulating the low-definition stock of old film will cover all CGI. BluRay has taught us that the better the picture, the faker-looking the Autobot. In black and white, you won’t be able to tell the real INGRID BERGMAN from the purely green-screened MEGATRON.

That’s our favorite part. But your favorite part? Demakes are guaranteed to not suck. With the hindsight of which contemporary movies are shoddily written, and a love of classic film, demade movies will not only strip away bad acting and shiny CG: they’ll apply actually solid scripts written deliberately for people who are proven to be able to act. LUCILLE BALL and JACK LEMMON will turn in performances literally designed for their roles, which in turn will be literally designed for them based on scientific breakdowns and focus tests of their strengths. If the technology pulls through, AI recreations of FRITZ LANG and ALFRED HITCHCOCK will soon direct demakes of GREEN LANTERN and DADDY DAY CAMP. It’s foolproof.

We’re opening up conservatively, demaking the second movie in a series. That packages it with a guaranteed prequel (TRANSFORMERS) and sequel (TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON). Just fathom it, Hollywood: a sequel demake, likely directed by an artificial intelligence of STANLEY KUBRICK himself.

If that doesn’t get you wet, we’ll toss this in: HUMPHREY BOGART will cameo to provide BUMBLEBEE’s one spoken line.


  1. Great. Hollywood isn't bright enough to think of this on their own, but they no doubt will steal it and run with it now that you have provided the blueprint for them.

  2. Oh man...this is funny because it's so plausible. But not in Hollywood. No, scholars would pick up on it as a product of the artistic culture of repurposing and remixing, and we'd have fifty-page critical treatises on Transformers.

    Which might be awesome, actually.

  3. What a brilliantly "creative" idea and a highly amusing read!

  4. OMG John! Don't give them any ideas!

    (I noticed that the narrator left unspoken the little detail of not having to pay dead actors.)

    Verification word: "fuslogi" — probably the name of one of the Transformers translated into Japanese.

  5. Horrific dystopia, thy name is John Wiswell.

  6. My sons would argue with you about that 2nd Transformers John, but not me. :)

    I absolutely love this idea - you really ought to sell it to Hollywood. Fun, fun story!

  7. I can already see it:


  8. I think it's a brilliant idea actually. Just think of the possibilities!

    Could have a Batman demake with Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger. Just imagine how hard it would be for Batman if he had to take both of them on?

  9. Sounds like a manifesto foe a new celuloid utopia. Get these people onto 'Tintin'. Now.

  10. Musicians and DJs have been re-mixing songs for a long time now, splicing in Marilyn Manson where John Lennon used to be or vice versa. Might as well do it with movies too :)

  11. LOL Hollywood has bigger and better ways to make the same old movies.

  12. Great concept John, I'll be looking forward to the demake of "Alien" hopefully starring the ever sexy Marylin M. as Ripley.

  13. Tim, so long as I pocket 1%.

    ZJW, just wait until Yale holds a senior seminar on Daddy Day Care.

    Deb, thanks for stopping by!

    Larry FARson, we use only expired actors for a reason!

    Tony, I am the king of ending, and then reappropriating, the world.

    Deanna, your sons are welcome to disagree with me. I'll gladly yell at them about how my grandfather was the wheel.

    Michael, I recommend keeping the glasses on for that brilliance.

    Craig, I'm tantalized at the prospect of demaking every Joker into one movie. Mark Hammill and Caesar Romero and double-team Christian Bale. Just think of the fanfiction.

    Scribbler, you want to demake the old Tintin cartoons? Or pre-emptively attack the new thing?

    Michael, I welcome DJs to attempt to demix songs. We'll license them some of our audio equipment.

    Sonia, what ways are you thinking?

    Steve, Alien and Marilyn Monroe? We're demaking bad movies, not ruining awesome movies. That's the next phase.

  14. Nah, I don't think I'd go to the movies at all if this were how it's it is I rarely go now. But it was an interesting theory for how things could be done, and a well-written one at that :)

  15. I would like to see this movie. When will it be out on DVD?

  16. "In black and white, you won’t be able to tell the real INGRID BERGMAN from the purely green-screened MEGATRON."

    LoL. I love your sense of humor. You can never predict it!

    But seriously, I hope movie-making never comes to this. It would make for a few fun projects, but to start taking over...that would be sad.

    Though, I do wish there were more original ideas for movies these days. The Age of Remakes is getting old, fast. Innovation needs to be brought back.

  17. Hilarious, John. My mind is already working on what combinations I'd like to see.

  18. You've got me gagging and reeling as if this were happening. Good sell.

  19. An excellent eye for the future, John. With the way technology is going, this piece will probably be realized in a few short years. Just think, though: If Hollywood can do it, then so can we. My grandchildren's grandchild will one day have the opportunity to sit at my screen and listen to me spin a yarn or two. I just hope they stay awake. ;-)

  20. Movies may just get a little more interesting!

    Fun read John

  21. The scary thing is, I can almost imagine Hollywood doing that. If they do, make sure you get royalties for the idea!

  22. I believe I watched a demake last night.

    Incisive and cutting, Robin

  23. This is a brilliant idea! I think you can improve nearly any film simply by replacing the leads with Brian Blessed and Samuel L Jackson.

  24. Now this is a thought that's gonna fester. I'm not sure you should be playing with such flammable ideas so close to Hollywood ears. (They're everywhere, you know)

  25. You do come up with some brilliant and entertaining ideas! Remember folks, the term "demake" originated here...

  26. I'm about to link this to all of friends who complain about remakes and tell them "Well, it could be worst/better". Awesome!


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