Saturday, November 5, 2011

“Men treat childbirth as though it’s something icky.” –Someone who wishes to remain anonymous

"It is something icky. Nobody tells you to boil water and find towels for a sanitary event. This is a woman screaming at the top of her lungs as her vagina is ripped asunder by a pinkened lump of potential humanity. There’s the possibility she’ll break his hand if he holds hers. There’s the possibility she’ll lose control of her bowels. She will spill fluids he’s never seen in his life. Then there’s the umbilicus and placenta, which frankly look like a giant tapeworm eating a tumor. Beyond all of the revolting things that may exit this beautiful woman, it is also the only time when the goal is to make a baby cry. It’s gross and it’s scary and even if she gets an epidural, you’re still going to have to figure out how to pay its college tuition. God have mercy on your souls."


  1. I've actually been present for two births, both at home, one of which was my younger sister, and I don't recall there being any screaming whatsoever. It is perfectly possible to have a nearly painless childbirth, although you may have to take Tai Chi to achieve that, and in any case women in pain can be remarkably stoic.

    Just saying, screaming is not de rigueur.

  2. Most laughs in fewest words I've seen in a while!

    I was present at both my kids' births. They were both C-sections, so I do have a pic of The Boy popping out Alien-style at the moment of exit. He was crying even before they got him out.

    It was after that event that I heard a combination of words I'd never thought I'd hear: "Hey. Have you ever seen a uterus?"

  3. Nice! Women aren't super ecstatic about all those things either, by the by.

  4. Anne, I'm knocking on wood for you.

    Childbirth - true horror, no argument there.

    I think the best picture ever to sum it up is the tall, geeky guy on the movie "Knocked Up" who goes in to the birthing room to check on how things are going, walks in right when the baby is crowning, and his reaction is so perfectly hilarious, it's a must see. Maybe it's on YouTube?

  5. Wait, is Erin saying that knocking on wood is a contraceptive? I've never heard that. I have a teak headboard on my bed. I wonder....


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