Monday, August 6, 2012

Every Sport is Derived From Tennis

The following geneology will reveal how all sports derive from Tennis. It's commonly known in the sciences that all sports are either descended from Tennis or Ping Pong. Which of these is the prime mover of sports is a futile debate, as Ping Pong is a cuter version of Tennis, while Tennis is clearly Ping Pong while standing on the table*. For the sake of this exercise, we will assume Tennis is the prime mover, because no one calls it “Ground Ping Pong,” but many refer to Ping Pong as “Table Tennis.”

Tennis is people separated by a net, whacking a ball at each other’s sides with a racket.
-Pairs Tennis is Tennis with more people; all other multi-person variants will be excluded
-Ping Pong is Tennis where you do not stand on the court*
-Badminton is slower, wispier Tennis
-Racquetball is Tennis where both players face the same direction
-Volleyball is Tennis with no rackets
-Pole-vault is Tennis where the goal is to get over the net
-Golf is Tennis with no opposition whatsoever and several clubs to defend yourself
-Fetch is one-way Tennis where the dog is your teammate
  • Skeet-shooting is Fetch where the gun is your teammate
    • -Bowling is Skeet-shooting with many targets and no ambition
      -Chess is bowling where the pins are skilled and fight back
        • Checkers is Chess with no ambition again
  • Baseball is one-way Tennis where the court is square and there too many people for so little to be happening
    • -Cricket is more Baseball
-Football Europa/Soccer is Tennis without the net in the way, mostly with feet
  • Football Americana is Soccer, mostly with hands
  • Rugby is meaner-spirited Soccer
  • Basketball is Soccer with an annoyingly placed goal, mostly with hands
  • Field Hockey is Soccer, mostly with sticks
    • Polo is Field Hockey that needlessly confuses horses
    • Water Polo is Field Hockey in water
      • Ice Hockey is Field Hockey, on ice
        • Ice Soccer, sadly, does not exist
  • Track is Soccer without anyone else in the way and no ball
    • Nascar is Track in a car
    • Equestrian is Track on a horse
    • Swimming is Track in water
      • Diving is Swimming without the follow-through
      • Synchronized Swimming is Swimming where the goal is to not beat or lose to your opponent.
      • Rowing is Swimming in a boat
        • Yachting is Rowing if you’re rich
        • Whitewater is Rowing in a boat when you can’t find a reasonable river
-Boxing is Tennis with no ball or subtlety
  • Judo is Boxing with no manners
    • Wrestling is Judo that starts on the floor
  • Fencing is Boxing with swords
  • Sumo is Boxing with no punching
  • MMA is Boxing where you just hit them everywhere
Please let us know if you think we missed a sport. We hope to provide a holistic genealogy.


  1. I want to see Ice Soccer. I want to see Ice Soccer so much...

    1. Don't you? If only I could convince some weak-willed children to test it.

  2. My mom's a tennis freak, so I sent her a link.

    Ice soccer. Hm. No cleats, right?

  3. Replies
    1. Not a sport.

      Fetch? A sport.

      Pong? Not a sport.


  4. What about synchronised swimming? Yes, I know it isn't a sport.

    1. A fair question, though. Synchronized Swimming is Swimming where the goal is to not beat or lose to your opponent.


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