Friday, September 14, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: South Korea Bans/Teaches Evolution


A stunning reversal this morning as South Korea announced it will continue teaching the theory of evolution in its schools, but ban evolution itself from nature. If any life form is discovered to be changing over a course of generations, it will be gassed. If it evolves against the gas, men with heavy boots will be dispatched. Children will be given meal vouchers and a copy of Jurassic Park.

The teaching of evolution has been a controversy for some years in South Korea, which boasts Asia’s largest per capita Christian demographic. The practice of evolution has been less controversial, its tide more or less halted by concrete and Lysol.
Archaeopteryx. Confirmed dead.
Sources disagree over how the controversy began. Sources within the South Korean education system report the dispute emerged over depiction of the archaeopteryx, a primitive bird, as an example of evolution. Sources on anonymous message boards report the dispute emerged over "how shitfuckingly gey teh bibel is."

The truth is a toss-up; a matter of faith. Even conservationists are split over the move to ban evolution from the country. Some see it as a denial of a principle of life, an impractical march against what begat us, or even a refusal of God’s lasting creativity. Others see it as the best way to preserve life. Nancy Atweiler, a native Korean of sixty generations, says, "If you want to save the Asiatic Black Bear, you've got to stop it from adapting. What if it evolves into the Asiatic Hot Pink Bear? Then your Black Bear is extinct. Evolution is a heartless murderer and must be stopped."

Experts estimate that natural selection kills trillions of organisms per year, more than handguns, automobiles and illicit drugs combined. “In fact,” says Chung Jong-kwan of Hanyang University, “Handguns and automobiles are just a symptom of the problem that is natural selection. Natural selection can pretty much take credit for anything dying. It's nature's bureaucrat.”
Beige Countries: places where evolution happens.
Red Dots: dunno.
So far only South Korea has made explicit legislation to ban evolution. There are unofficial anti-evolution measures in other nations, such as Vatican City which applies celibacy to counteract evolution’s sexually transmitted issues, but these motions are the minority. China was previously expected to lead the way on anti-evolution legislation with its one-child policy, but caved to the Evolution Lobby. At present, the United States, Germany and Russia have a laissez-faire policy towards evolution, but sources within the Obama administration claim the president is, "willing to adapt."

25 comments:

  1. So I guess they missed the part in Genesis where God commands Adam, Eve, and all their descendants to be stewards of the earth?

    This is a fabulous and funny example of echo-chamber logic. The real-life version of this stuff makes me want to grab a sleeping bag and camp out overnight in the centre of Stonehenge.

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    1. I enjoy your coping mechanisms, Katherine.

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    2. you wouldn't be allowed, it's all fenced off. Druids are given one entry pass a year on the solstice...

      marc nash

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    3. I'll just have to make my own on the beach by Lake Ontario. Sheetrock isn't that expensive these days...

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  2. I think an ' Asiatic Hot Pink Bear' sounds delightful ^__^

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    1. I thought you might! Not sure on the necessary environmental pressures, though. Something with global warming?

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  3. You are a very twisted individual. I am truly grateful for this. Thank you.

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  4. If North Carolina in the US can legislate rising sea levels, I suppose all bets are off. Besides, I agree with Helen about the Asiatic Hot Pink Bear. Delightful.

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    1. If only I could sue the oceans for every hurricane...

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  5. I love your spin on this. "Evolution is a heartless murderer and most be stopped." had me smiling.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Aaron! It was fun to work out.

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  6. All children should be given a copy of Jurassic Park anyway. Even if they haven't got a DVD player.

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    1. I read it at 11 or 12. Great hook for this boy, what with the kid getting mauled and the man being "run over."

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  7. They also 'missed the part in Genesis' about 'go forth and multiply'. Or am I missing the point here?

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    1. Well, I think you're allowed to multiply with variation. They'd probably be pro-cloning.

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  8. Reality is one of those things that is hard to ignore, but some people still manage it.

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  9. This line had me smiling John.

    "If it evolves against the gas, men with heavy boots will be dispatched."

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  10. mankind having conquered every environment on earth and with the advances in medicine and plenitude of food (for a majority at least) had I believe stopped evolving, since there was nothing environmental left to push us to adapt any further. However, the rapid pace of communications and life online and data bombardment, may just kickstart our eviolutionary development once again, on the brain if nothing else...?

    marc nash

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  11. So Obama is still president then at the time this boy is reading assuming this is in the future of course :)Shouldn't there be more red dots on that map..

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  12. There's certainly a thought process at work here, but if it's a decent one or not, then that's open to debate. Certainly an interesting piece!

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  13. I see there is a fondness for the Asiatic Hot Pink Bear... I join the club before it's banned!

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  14. Hilarious, John. And still it wouldn't shock me if it were a real headline someday, I feel like I've seen some equally illogical, you know those stories you think came from The Onion until you find out they're true.

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  15. SAVE THE ASIATIC HOT PINK BEAR! Despite its cute, evolutionary nature, right now this ravenous man-eater is suffering a cull for cheerleader pompoms and ear muffs...

    Don't let it become extinct like the Pink Panther.

    St.

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  16. What an elegant way to show how ridiculous something is!

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  17. I found this very funny. "Men with heavy boots will be dispatched."

    My dad loves to watch documentaries and such about space and so on, but still believes that there isn't evolution. It seems some notions are very hard to shake.

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