Thursday, December 27, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: I hope my death inconveniences people.

"It was only this morning that I realized. I always thought I was more easy-going, just bury me and chat, think about the good times, and please God, let someone tell a joke during a eulogy. If you’ve ever been at a funeral, you know jokes during eulogies are the greatest public service west of clean water.

"But I was driving down the turnpike to work, and it kind of bubbled up in me. I wasn’t behind a funeral procession or anything. The morning was orange, and I was tired as every day I ever drove into the station. It simply stirred up in me.

"I hope my death inconveniences people. Not necessarily that an aneurysm makes me plow my pick-up into a fruit stand, but my family. I feel I’ve put enough hours into my life that I deserve to really shake up the people I leave behind. Let them cry and gnash their teeth and feel uncertain how the world will be without me. Not me to contribute to the household budget, or shovel the driveway, you see, but the uncountable, unquantifiable shitstorm that is the loss of a guy who worked really fucking hard and deserved you to feel like hell now that he’s gone.

"Never realized how badly I wanted to be mourned. Kind of fucked up."


  1. Fess up, John. Did you have Tony write a secret guest post? ;-)

  2. What's f-ed up about it? Everyone wants to be missed!

  3. But he wants to be more than missed, Catherine! And I think he deserves it. May teeth be gnashed and all hope be lost with the passing of you...or him...since this is fictional. ;)

  4. And isn't it a blight that we won't be able to see that crying, wailing and teeth gnashing. Nor hear the eulogy...


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