Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: 5 Failed Dating Tips from a Super-Rich Friend

  1. Approach him with your eyes affixed to someone or something else nearby, then fake tripping and spill your Merlot on him. Offer to buy him a new wardrobe. That will work as a starter date.

  2. Ask his position on prostitution and how it’s really just a contract between consenting adults. Ask if he realizes marriage is a contract between consenting adults. Finally, ask how much it should cost to marry him for a while.

  3. Buy every seat on the train, plane, theatre, or whatever else it is that you’re at, I didn’t catch it at first. Anyway, when the two of you are alone in the building, sidle up to him and act like this solitude must be kismet.

  4. Jesus, I don’t know. Talk to him and see if you have chemistry.

  5. Hire some ex-military officers, preferably something professional, to attack him, and to take a dive when you run in to fend off their fascists. Keep their card for a second attack whenever your date loses steam.


  1. "Talk to him and see if you have chemistry"? Seriously? What's money for if not to avoid the pesky realities of human existence?

  2. 1, 2, 3, and 5, would certainly work on me. Not too sure about No 4 though!

  3. Eh, #1 is a non-starter. Merlot adds character to a t-shirt. Personally, I like #3-5. The chemistry always helps, even for a shag-it-and-bag-it kind of date.

  4. Ugh, I think I know this person. She also tells tall women to "just be cute", right?

  5. #1 was executed with great flair in the 1st episode of TV series Revenge. Is somebody a closet fan?


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