Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: 5 Failed Dating Tips from a Super-Rich Friend



  1. Approach him with your eyes affixed to someone or something else nearby, then fake tripping and spill your Merlot on him. Offer to buy him a new wardrobe. That will work as a starter date.

  2. Ask his position on prostitution and how it’s really just a contract between consenting adults. Ask if he realizes marriage is a contract between consenting adults. Finally, ask how much it should cost to marry him for a while.

  3. Buy every seat on the train, plane, theatre, or whatever else it is that you’re at, I didn’t catch it at first. Anyway, when the two of you are alone in the building, sidle up to him and act like this solitude must be kismet.

  4. Jesus, I don’t know. Talk to him and see if you have chemistry.

  5. Hire some ex-military officers, preferably something professional, to attack him, and to take a dive when you run in to fend off their fascists. Keep their card for a second attack whenever your date loses steam.

5 comments:

  1. "Talk to him and see if you have chemistry"? Seriously? What's money for if not to avoid the pesky realities of human existence?

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  2. 1, 2, 3, and 5, would certainly work on me. Not too sure about No 4 though!

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  3. Eh, #1 is a non-starter. Merlot adds character to a t-shirt. Personally, I like #3-5. The chemistry always helps, even for a shag-it-and-bag-it kind of date.

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  4. Ugh, I think I know this person. She also tells tall women to "just be cute", right?

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  5. #1 was executed with great flair in the 1st episode of TV series Revenge. Is somebody a closet fan?

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