Friday, May 31, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: Strange Drugs

Photo by Stephen Shore.



   This one removes all your fears. It's said they're replaced with a smoky nothingness and a faintly yellow flavor.
   This one replaces all your fears with the fears your parents have for you.
   This one replaces all your fears with identical fears in different orders. Said to be very useful for schizophrenics seeking introspection.

   This one makes you admire clouds more often.
   This one makes clouds admire you more often.
   This one has no clinically proven effect, yet many customers claim to find rainstorms friendlier.

   This one allows you to read, comprehend and discuss philosophy with absolute acumen. You'll go through Kant in an evening. It, however, provides no satisfaction.
   This one provides absolute satisfaction with no application. You'll achieve nothing and be perfectly alright with it until the drug passes.
   This one lets you read, comprehend and discuss the shortcomings of others with absolute acumen. You'll achieve nothing and be perfectly passionate regardless until the drug passes.

   This one makes you taller.
   This one makes you smaller.
   This one stops up rabbit holes.

   This one fills you with the fear of God.
   This one makes you realize you have always been full of the fear of God.
   This one gives you a radically incomplete and yet hardy appreciation for what God fears.

   This one unlocks your full mental and emotional potential.
   This one dulls any anxiety from having realized how meager certain potentials are.
   This one makes you feel exactly like you think you used to feel before all those unfortunate revelations that come with time. You never actually felt this way, but the drug doesn't know better.

31 comments:

  1. I would like several of these drugs. However - I would need to know about their other effects first (and years back I read that there are no side effects - they are all effects, you just want some of those effects rather more than others. Which makes sense. To me.)

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    1. Viewing them all as effects is a good idea, and healthier for us all.

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  2. Very clever, dear Sir! Did you intend to repeat "This one makes clouds admire you more often"? Kind regards, Natalie Wood

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    1. Hey Natalie! I believe if you read the two lines a little more carefully, you'll find they differ. Sorry it didn't fire well for you.

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  3. There's one drug missing from this list - This one allows you to eat chocolate, and not gain weight, it's a guilt free drug. ^_^ Now that's one I could take ;)

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    1. I'll take two pounds of that drug, post haste!

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  4. This is a great idea, John. Very original and made me chuckle more than a few times. Humour reminded me a little of Douglas Adams - its the type of thing that could turn up in Hitch Hikers Guide. Good stuff.

    Given a few of the effects, I'm beginning to wonder if someone has already been slipping a few pills in my tea.

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    1. Getting compared to Hitchhikers Guide made my morning, Wayne! Thank you so much.

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  5. I can bet that the drug companies are working on these even as we speak.

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  6. I'm with Helen - I want the one that lets you eat chocolate and be skinny :)
    Fun one John!

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  7. And the ones that mama gives you, don't do anything at all. Ask Alice, when she is ten feet tall. :)
    Mama Bear Musings
    http://mauldinfamily1.wordpress.com

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    1. That was a vibe I dug on for a while! So you'll take one pouch of rabbit hole stoppers?

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  8. Sounds like an accurate summation of our current pharmaceutical industry! I think I'll stick with coffee as my drug of choice *unlocks my full mental potential, however brief*

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  9. Great idea John, and I like the twists you've given some of them. I wonder which of these drugs would out sell the others.

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  10. That is hilarious!
    And is that a real sign?

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    1. As far as I know, though I haven't read Shore describing the location.

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  11. My boss once gave us all a copy from a joke in a psychology magazine that uses familar sounding names for strange drugs. Stuff like "Lexuspro" which alleviates the guilt your feel for purschasing a luxury car instead of a hybrid and "Avilify" because it really is all their fault. These compliment those quite nicely.

    My favorites: the one that makes clouds admire you (because really, who doesn't want to admired by clouds?) and the one that make rainstorms friendly.

    I'm printing this out for co-workers.

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    1. Thank you, Bev! I'm touched, and I hope they get a kick out of it.

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  12. I'm actually curious about the one that makes you know God's fears, but you didn't post side effects!

    Such as, possible side effects may include death by thunderbolt. :)

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  13. I was going to ask about the ones that Mother gives you, but got beat to the punch(line). I want one that shuts off the internal editor without putting me to sleep.

    Very clever, it had a beat poetry feel to it at times (and the subject would have certainly fit)!

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  14. I was feeling the Grace Slick/Jefferson Airplane vibe too. Now, may I request a price list for these drugs?

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    1. I've heard it's mostly a barter economy.

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  15. **Like** :) wonder what pharma companies would have to say to ' this one has NO clinically proven effects but..'

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  16. Excellent piece! Oh, I would hate to have to bear the burdens of my parents' fears for me. And they have a name for the drug that lets you achieve nothing and be perfectly all right with it. Marijuana.

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  17. Oh I loved this...so clever with words and with the slight differences between the drugs. Excellent.

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  18. Brilliant. And not such a faraway idea, I'm sure. Clearing space in the medicine cabinet...

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  19. Now I'm wondering if I could make up a drug, what I would want it to do for me.
    I'm with Beverly, the clouds liking me and friendlier rainstorms do sound appealing.

    **is it just me, or does the right side column of your blog bounce for everyone?
    ***Maybe that's the drug I took: stationary things bounce like excited toddlers.

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  20. A want a few of these drugs. LOL Some of them sound so appealing.

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  21. Between reading this piece and starting to write this comment, I flipped a browser tab to YouTube and pulled up a rendition of "White Rabbit". The piece itself has a nicely psychedelic feel -- these days it feels almost nostalgic to speak of drugs that actually do stuff.

    Rabbit hole stoppers... is the pharmacy in Australia?

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  22. I think the last one is crying out for an aggressive marketing campaign...

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