Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Writing for Millions

Everybody wants to be a writer and they should. Go to any bookstore and read the names. Stephanie Meyer. J.K. Rowling. The Da Vinci Code Guy. I never hear about these people collecting garbage or working at Wal-Mart. Writing must be all they have to do, which means they have to get paid a lot. Now look at the whole bookstore. That’s a lot of writers, all getting paid millions of dollars. And it’s so easy to write!

I read a book by Mark Twain once and it sounded like how people talk. Imagine how easy it was for him to just write what he’d say. You could talk into a tape recorder for a while and then pay someone else to type it out for you with the millions of dollars all writers get paid.

But if you are old fashioned and want to write by hand, that’s fine. All you have to do is sit and type. You don’t even have to type that much. Ernest Hemingway once said that if you write a page a day then you have a 365-page novel at the end of the year. I’ve never checked his math but assume he’s right because he’s famous. So if you write about a page, you’re pretty much done for the day. Thanks to Spell Check you don’t even have to edit anymore.

Also, I never heard of Hemingway doing anything but writing and getting drunk. Again: writing is a sweet job since you don’t have to do anything else in your whole life.

I don’t really know how publishing works, but you get paid in a lot of ways. There’s the advance before you even write it, then they pay you when you give them the book, and royalties when they start selling it. Since you get millions every time, that’s three million for one book. You get even more millions after they make a movie out of it. A lot of movies are based on books, so I assume all books become movies that pay you extra and you don’t even have to pay taxes on that.

It’s not all fun, though. Eventually your hand cramps up from signing so many autographs and people who are scared of crowds might get nervous from being stopped and fondled on the street by their flocks of teen fans. I’m sure it gets annoying eventually. It’s probably why Hemingway drank. I don’t know because I’ve never read his books. But what I’m saying is that if you’re not ready to be rich and really popular, writing might seem overwhelming. Fortunately book tours and interviews are totally optional since they pay you the same no matter what.

I’d tell you more but this is almost a full page. So in conclusion, I want to write because it’s easy and pays a lot.

16 comments:

  1. Hahahaha...I needed a good laugh. Wow. The scary thing is that so many people really do think like that. If only it were that easy...

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  2. If only the same were true for blog posts. You'd be one of the richest guys on the planet!

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  3. I want in on this gig! I think I'll start writing today. :)

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  4. I hear blogging is profitable, too.

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  5. Wow, yeah! Why isn't everyone doing this? Let's see. "Once upon a time…"

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  6. Serious LOL over here. Love it.

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  7. I didn't know writing came with free sidewalk fondling!

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  8. Well, yeah. Everybody knows that. You forgot to mention the extra millions for foreign rights too. No sense keeping your book in only one language when all the other languages pay separately.

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  9. Ha ha. This brought a smile to my face.

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  10. LOVE it! hahaha, have read this out loud to members of my family twice today, and it's only 11am :)

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  11. This is hilarious!! I don't even have words... Love!

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  12. My 4 year old agrees with you, John! Apparently, you just have to decide to become a famous writer *so Mommy can fly us to Disneyworld all the time in her private jet* Guess I better get on it!

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  13. I enjoyed this post. I wish it were that easy. Writing is a struggle for me at times. I have to say why toil at such a difficult craft. If you want to make the big bucks, drop the pen and pick up the pencil. I've found that its easy to dash off a few drawings, sign them and watch the money come rolling in. You should consider becoming an artist.

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  14. LOL You make it sound so easy! Everyone should do it. WRITE ALL THE THINGS!

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