The Hook Hand
It's said he lurks on romantic cliffs and in abandoned
parking lots. Wherever teens go to neck, he may be spotted in the rear-view
mirror. At first you'll only hear a faint scratching. If you're attentive, the
radio will warn you that a madman has escaped from a nearby asylum. But you
won't hear it, because he wouldn't come for you if you listened to important information.
So as hands slip under sweaters and toes curl, little scratches
will climb up the door of the car. You may mistake the whine of his hook hand
on the roof for the moans of your partner. Most folks are scared witless when
his specter finally looms, pulling on their clothes as they peel off for
civilization.
It's miles of burned rubber and ruined hard-ons later that
the survivors discover a wrapped condom hanging from the driver-side mirror. The
hook-handed maniac takes reproductive health very seriously.
Bloody Mary
Bloody Mary is one of few urban legends that lives
exclusively in bathroom sinks. She is an intimidating young woman, theorized to
either be a ghost or demon, who is roused when light switches are flicked. If
you turn off the lights in a bathroom and chant her name three times, you will
summon Bloody Mary from her slumber. Turn the lights back on to see her image
in your mirror, staring back at you, flicking her knife-fingers in the
direction of the wall-switch, trying to tell you to turn the lights back off be
your electricity bill is too high.
The Tooth Fairy
She is the most important fairy in all the world. When you
first lose a tooth, clutch it tight in both your hands. Don't let it out of
your sight, for it's worth more than you've earned in your entire brief
existence.
Show it to Mommy when you get home. She'll be very proud and
excited, and show you the proper place to put it: beneath your pillow. Because
she'll tell you, it's not as important that you remember this part. Instead
memorize the following: drinking so much water that you have to pee every
fifteen minutes, eating too much at dinner so that your tummy is too full, and
rolling onto your side or belly so you can't fall asleep. You must keep awake.
By doing so, you'll witness the arrival of The Tooth Fairy.
Your present will be learning that Mommy likes to have fun at your expense.
I had no idea that The Hook Hand carried condoms. He wasn't all bad obviously.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't heard of Bloody Mary, but loved your take on the Tooth Fairy.
Bloody Mary is a big one in the U.S., or at least the north-east corridor. I love teasing people who grew up with it.
DeleteWhen I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I *still* avoid looking in the mirror. Reading this take is wonderful; might even get me to peek daringly over to the sink.
DeleteSo it was always about safe sex? Who knew?
ReplyDeleteHysterical! The first is my favorite.
ReplyDeleteHey, I AM hook hand!
ReplyDeleteI admit that I struggle to imagine you tucking condoms onto strangers' mirrors. But it's worth the struggle.
DeleteThose are too funny. All hook hand wants to do is make sure teens are having safe sex. Nothing skeery at all. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the Hooked Hand takes sexual health so seriously - Perhaps he should have blazoned across his chest "If it's not ON then its not On!' ^_^
ReplyDeleteAhaha the tooth fairy was great! But reading this post remembered me that I have to study folk tales and urban legends in order to write my NaNoWriMo book! Can you suggest nice websites?
ReplyDeleteThese three came entirely from my personal experience and joking with friends. I doubt I'll research much on the web, preferring to rely on word of mouth for urban legends. However, I've always enjoyed Snopes.
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