Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Perfect Crime

I've been swimming to tinker with my health recently, striving to make across the little lake in our area. I was finishing my one and only lap of the day when I saw the three girls on their inflatable raft.

There was a tiny one, perhaps five years old, wearing a bright pink one-piece. There was also a slightly taller girl in a blue one-piece, and a significantly taller girl in a plaid bikini. Even with lake water in my eyes, they were instantly recognizable as Little Sister, Middle Sister and Big Sister. Big Sister was shoving Middle Sister's shoulders, teasing that she'd shove her overboard. Middle Sister struggled to remain undampened, while Little Sister huddled at the back of their raft, trying to keep it stable.

This was the scene of the perfect crime.

Big Sister, by virtue of the bodymass age afforded her, finally clotheslined Middle Sister over the edge. Little Sister quivered at the undulations of their raft, clearly afraid it would capsize under them. Middle Sister bobbed up from the water, clawing at the side of the raft and screaming, "I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!"

This was when I elected to stop and watch the show. I'm buoyant, which allows me to enjoy any maritime tragedies, and I could see one coming here.

On the shore, a hairy man in bathing trunks yelled from the shore in a clear dad-voice, "No fighting on the raft!"

Big Sister was busted. She froze in place, not helping or hindering Middle Sister's return to the raft. Little Sister squatted and pushed herself even further into one corner.

"No fighting!" their dad repeated.

Middle Sister scrambled aboard and charged Big Sister, trying to tackle her over the edge. Big Sister was still in their father's gaze, and so couldn't let herself be seen fighting. She only struggled not to go overboard, grabbing the lip of the raft and using her size to steady against the smaller attacker. The entire raft thrashed like a titanic wake had hit it, threatening to toss them all into the lake.

"I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! "

This is when the perfect crime was perpetrated. Little Sister finally stood up from the back of the raft, and as her older siblings wrestled, grabbed both of them by the butt and tipped them overboard with the most satisfying splash I've ever seen. The raft stabilized immediately with its sole occupant.

"I'll kill you!" said Middle Sister, with equal fervor, simply a new target, as she shot up from the water and tried to climb aboard again.

"We'll kill you!" screamed Big Sister, with far too much venom for someone on that side of puberty.

Little Sister watched the two of them grab the raft. I swear I saw her smirk before picking up a pink life preserver. She draped it over herself and jumped off the opposite side of the raft. She doggy paddled to the deep water, where her sisters couldn't follow, and her father demanding there be no vengeance.

I laughed so hard that it carried to the shore. Their father turned his head at me, with what I think was outrage. He was wearing sunglasses, and I wasn't looking that intently. I hope some part of him realized his littlest daughter had perpetrated the perfect crime.


  1. Vicious little girls. They deserved it.

  2. Sounds like a normal day to me. Rapidly shifting alliances and targets of outrage, with a dad wishing he could explain the concept of "consent of the governed" in terms that would stick.


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