Monday, August 19, 2013

Bathroom Monologue: The Giant and the Mediocre Kisser

"If you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to assume I'm a lousy kisser."

"The kiss part was nice. But why do you look at me like that?"

"Like what? Look at you from this angle? Because I have to look up. You're a hundred feet tall."

"I'm one inch taller than you."

"The difference looks bigger from down here, you giant."

"Now I'm not kissing you anymore."

"Good. My tippy toes were starting to ache."


"You're a thousand feet tall."

"I thought it was a hundred."

"Maybe you grew while we were talking. I wouldn't put that past you."

"It really burns you up to be shorter than me."

"Mostly, I'm afraid I'm a lousy kisser."

"You're not. You're mediocre-to-decent."


"Don't get needy, you tiny thing."

"Needy? I'm relieved. I don't have that much practice. Mediocre is an achievement."

"Oh, now that's sad. Come here."

"Only with you, who's probably of another genus. Titanica or something."

"Yeah, no more kissing."

"Can you get some tissues from the top shelf for me?'

"And now I'm leaving."

"To fight crime?"

"I'm starting to think you like this more than making out."

"I knew the truth would travel up there eventually."

"Mediocre kisser."

"Thank you!"

At which point the narrator turns to you and asks: what did you think their genders were?


  1. The comedy in this dialogue shines through.

    For some reason, I imagine one character as a giant of the fairytale variety, and the other character as a creature of fantasy, like an elf. An elf with either lifts or heels. =)

  2. Do you know, until the last line I hadn't considered gender? And if push comes to shove I don't think it matters but would probably (for no reason I can articulate) assign the male gender to the first speaker.

  3. Kiss and run? Someone has adequacy issues.

  4. I thought it was funny! I was picturing the giant as male, because I've never seen a female giant in a story. Hmm!

  5. I love your dialogue only shorts! Despite reading Max's comments on Twitter, I thought they were male and female, although which was which changed as I read. On first read, I assumed the first speaker was female, but that made the dialogue flow really weird for me. Upon re-reading it, the giant is the girl and the mediocre kisser is the boy, mostly because it's unusual for a guy to take offence at being called tall. Although, as Max said, they could both be men, or women for that matter. The sex of the speakers doesn't affect it too much. It's more fun to leave it open and that way the reader enjoys it best however they want.


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