Friday, August 23, 2013

The Succubus Argument



I don't see why we're always monsters. I mean, we are "monsters," but we're at least the best kind, better than vampires. They're walking STDs. They literally just want your blood; any sexy atmosphere is just a front to treat you like a juice box with two straws in the neck. We succubae want to screw you to death. You should love us!

At first, you evolved to eat and have sex, and though I didn't take notes, I know which one most of you seemed more enthusiastic about. Then you got culture, and prudence, and we drifted apart. But that was you playing coy. You invented capitalism and communism and skyscrapers – and all for what?

To ensure that you could have a place to stay. For what?

To ensure that you could afford clothing. For what?

So that you could stay safe, alive and warm?

Pff. Those are all excuses, means to the end of sticking it in my end. They're all ruses to get you more food and sex.

Well to a succubus, sex is food. Sex is the best food – the cream-filled puff of life itself. We're on your side. We've always been on your side, even when you got really scary. Modernity has jacked up some suicide rates. Poor little guys throwing away food – my food. My food with shattered little feelings that deserve nursing.

A succubus cares about your feelings. All the licorice strings of your insecurities, the robust stew of life experience, and just a sprig of prudential nervousness. We get it. We want you to be the happiest you've ever been, because that's when you're finger-licking good. I want you to feel comfortable, trusted, at ease and then at ecstasy. Loved, even. I love you as much as anyone on The Food Network has ever loved a dish.

I don't want you to die alone. I don't want you to spend tonight alone, and you don't want to be alone anyway! You want to curl up with someone who looks like… me. Who looks like a dream and knows all your fetishes in advance. I'll sit on your chest all night if that's your thing.

Look, if all your life is a struggle to get resources to hunt down sex, then why not give up the struggle and have the best imaginable? And trust me: it's the best imaginable. I'm mostly imaginary, which is why I only show up when you're asleep. We're sweet dreams, the cure to suicide and ennui, and the very best of homicide. Why toil? That's what seems monstrous to me.

Don't trust incubi, though. They're all pricks.

17 comments:

  1. "All the licorice strings of your insecurities" is pretty much the awesomest phrase I've read in forever.

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    1. Thanks, Celeste! It was a line I couldn't help including.

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  2. Oh my. Put like that it is almost an obligation to put the licorice strings of my insecurities away.
    Now do the incubi get a response? Or are the succubae right?

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    1. That's a fair question. Do I give the Patriarchy Monsters a rebuttal?

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  3. Hmm the mention of liquorice made me hungry ^_^

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  4. Screwed to death. Sounds tempting...

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  5. " a front to treat you like a juice box with two straws in the neck." terrific description John! And great last line to sum it all up.

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    1. Glad this voice is clicking for people. It sure was evilly fun to write.

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  6. Sounds strangely persuasive to me.

    Good one, John, especially the last line.

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  7. Hey now, I like vampires. ;)
    That last line is great.

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  8. "All the licorice strings of your insecurities, the robust stew of life experience, and just a sprig of prudential nervousness."
    Best. Line. EVER! You made serious neuroses sound like a menu at a family restuarant!
    Hysterical, totally made my day.

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  9. My favorite line is "We're sweet dreams, the cure to suicide and ennui, and the very best of homicide." Sooo deliciously evil. I feel a lot of angst and resentment in this character. She must enjoy taking it out on her victims.

    If you're looking for nit-picks, I think "finger-licking" should be hyphenated, and don't you mean "in ecstasy"?

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  10. This is my favorite part, "Modernity has jacked up some suicide rates. Poor little guys throwing away food – my food. My food with shattered little feelings that deserve nursing." It cracked me up that the succubus would have such selfish reasons to care about suicide. Very succubus-ish. My only real knowledge of them is from that show Lost Girl. Great show. And great piece, John. Keep on rockin'!

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  11. Something very sinister about this level of pleading!

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  12. Hmmmm, is it a bad thing that what she says makes perfect sense to me? *shiver*

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  13. When I'm ready to go, I'm willing to go that way!

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