There’s an old chestnut in the Gay Marriage debate that, if
we change the definition of marriage for this, then it can be changed for
anything. If Aunt Sally marries Rebecca, then in another year Uncle Ron will marry
his dog.
To this objection I say: let Uncle Ron marry his dog. Let
everyone marry their dogs.
You cringe from human/dog marriage because you imagine the
honeymoon. But friends, there are millions of pets in this country. If the
owner wants to screw the pooch, he’s already doing it. In the privacy of his bedroom,
or basement, or sound-proofed kennel, you really can’t catch or stop him. The
inability to marry the dog isn’t stopping anyone.
Human/dog-marriage would simply give the dog a chance at
half her owner’s stuff if he cheats on her. Now their romance will be public.
You’ll know to watch out for that guy, both around his pets and the pets of
others. If he’s a monogamous pet-porker, then he’s safe. Or maybe he’s not.
After all, you could turn it into the Benny Hill of laws,
and anyone who applies for pet-marriage can be tossed in jail automatically,
with their marriage license as evidence of bestiality. It depends how cheeky
you feel your state’s Senate is.
And what if Uncle Ron and his dog have a fulfilling
relationship together? I know plenty of crazy cat ladies. My sister sleeps with
her pet cat in the same bed. They hug, they cuddle, and she even buys him more sweaters
than she does for her actual boyfriend. The emotional link is already there. The
sexual link isn’t there, but if it was? Then let her pay a fee at the
courthouse and flag herself.
