Bathroom Monologue: You Didn't Have to Elope

You didn’t have to elope. Okay, your mother never would have given her blessing to you marrying a… one of them. But I would have. You’re my boy. You would have made the decision no matter what I said – that’s obvious because you ran off and got married without asking me! And if you had to do it that weekend, fine. But if you called, I would have come. I would have been on the first plane to be there. I would have gone to your Bachelor Party. I would have paid for dinner after the reception. I will spend the rest of my life wishing I could have been there for this. And I’m not angry at you. You’re a married man now, and you’re going to have a lot more problems than some over the hill guy from the middle class being mad at you. I’m telling you this because I want you to call me. When you buy a house. When she gets pregnant. When my first grandchild is born. I don’t know what I ever did to make you think you couldn’t call me or shouldn’t tell me, but please: call. I will be on that first flight to see my grandson take his first steps or graduate third grade. Just call.

Bathroom Monologue: But then you’ll marry your dog!

There’s an old chestnut in the Gay Marriage debate that, if we change the definition of marriage for this, then it can be changed for anything. If Aunt Sally marries Rebecca, then in another year Uncle Ron will marry his dog.

To this objection I say: let Uncle Ron marry his dog. Let everyone marry their dogs.

You cringe from human/dog marriage because you imagine the honeymoon. But friends, there are millions of pets in this country. If the owner wants to screw the pooch, he’s already doing it. In the privacy of his bedroom, or basement, or sound-proofed kennel, you really can’t catch or stop him. The inability to marry the dog isn’t stopping anyone.

Human/dog-marriage would simply give the dog a chance at half her owner’s stuff if he cheats on her. Now their romance will be public. You’ll know to watch out for that guy, both around his pets and the pets of others. If he’s a monogamous pet-porker, then he’s safe. Or maybe he’s not.

After all, you could turn it into the Benny Hill of laws, and anyone who applies for pet-marriage can be tossed in jail automatically, with their marriage license as evidence of bestiality. It depends how cheeky you feel your state’s Senate is.

And what if Uncle Ron and his dog have a fulfilling relationship together? I know plenty of crazy cat ladies. My sister sleeps with her pet cat in the same bed. They hug, they cuddle, and she even buys him more sweaters than she does for her actual boyfriend. The emotional link is already there. The sexual link isn’t there, but if it was? Then let her pay a fee at the courthouse and flag herself.