A Realistic Spider-Man?

The Russos Weigh In On Their Realistic And Grounded Take On The Amazing Spider-Man #Marvel #SpiderMan... https://t.co/tgXxvOGeIa

— ComicBookMovie.com (@ComicBook_Movie) January 9, 2016

So yesterday the Russo Brothers did an interview about how "grounded" and "realistic" their approach to Spider-Man would be. I couldn't help offering some tips on how a realistic Spidey story would go.

• A realistic Spider-Man? So, a kid is bitten by a spider, gets no powers, and struggles with poverty?
• His widow aunt can't afford their bills, so Peter gets a second job. They're evicted anyway.
• Peter photographs himself as an elusive vigilante. Daily Bugle won't call him back and he winds up with three reblogs.
• Mary Jane swipes left.
• Rich evil Norman Osborn dons a goblin mask and terrorizes the city. Pundits wonder when he'll run for president.

@Wiswell Continued funding of his secret projects is assured thanks to generous campaign contributions to both parties. #RealisticSpiderman

— Keith Manuel (@KeithAManuel) January 9, 2016

• While Peter is at a wrestling show, his uncle is shot. Naturally he blames poor standard of living and NRA lobbyists.
• Boy genius Peter develops liquid steel webbing technology. A troll swoops his patent and sues him.
• Doctor Octopus is a Podcatcher knock-off app that fills Peter's phone with malware.
• A sexy cat burglar is tearing up the city. Peter, who has crushing debt and no powers, never meets her. The end.

Lit Corner: Hemingway, Terminator, and Why I Love Twitter

Twitter is my favorite social network. It gets people the chattiest, the most conversations spring up there, and at its best, humor rolls out of exchanges rather than in somebody's polemic Facebook status. I saved this image a couple years ago to always remind me what Twitter is about.

This exchange started with Randall Nichols and I jawjacking about optimism and Ernest Hemingway. Then it became this:

ReaderCon and the River of Stars Invitation

This is a hub post for the weekend. I'm abroad right now, at ReaderCon in Massachussetts, the first of my many business trips this summer. It's my first time at ReaderCon. I'm pretty excited, if only for the amazing roster of authors who lecture and schmooze there. Kelly Link, Peter Straub and Scott Lynch have written some of my favorite works.

I may livetweet some of the more interesting panels, or blog up the highlights here. It all depends how my Kindle Fire holds up and how strong the convention wifi goes. If you see something on the schedule that looks highly appealing, hit me up on Twitter. You can find me @wiswell - unless my Kindle implodes.


This is also my first chance to meet my fellow Viable Paradise students and possibly meet some of the instructors. If things go according to plan I'll be having tea with Elizabeth Bear while you're reading this. Tonight the students are gathering for a big dinner in town. I've chatted with a few by Twitter (all have been friendly), but it'll be good to have faces to go with screen names.

I also want to give a shout out to a little reading program starting next week. Beginning July 17th, Sonia Lal and I will be reading Guy Gavriel Kay's River of Stars. It's Fantasy inspired by the Song Dynasty of China, set centuries after the previous novel so that it can stand alone, being about the conflict between rival factions as its world moves forward.Kay has repeatedly impressed me with his words about anthropological fiction, and particularly his unpopular stance that characters from other cultures shouldn't be "relatable" or "likeable." There is a tendency to make The Other just like us, which can be welcoming, but also often ignores significant external and internal life.

Sonia and I will be chatting about River of Stars as we make our way through. Anyone is more than welcome to pick up a copy and join us.

Bathroom Monologue: Retweet This

RETWEETs are perfect. There has never been a better form of communication, and never phrased better, or I would have written it. Instead I clicked RETWEET and my work is done. The world is mended.

I believe every single word and the implicit meaning behind every single image attached to whatever I RETWEET. Its politics are mine. Its opinions are law. The only thing I would change is making it my work.

I have never RETWEETed something by accident.

My Twitter clients have never malfunctioned and RETWEETed something without my consent.

I have never RETWEETed something so my peers would like me better. I have never done anything so my peers would like me better. I think ties have unmatched utility.

I have never RETWEETed something I disagreed with to show what the opposition thinks. In all those cases, I have never tweeted shortly before or after that, granting the RETWEET context. Every RETWEET is its own island of unquestioning support.

RETWEET this.

Who is the most despicable antagonist in fiction?

Next Tuesday I will be hosting a meta-blog on this very site. All writers and readers are welcome to participate, and it only takes one sentence to pitch in. To participate, simply answer the following question:

Who is the most despicable antagonist in fiction?

Give us the name, the source material, and if you please, a sentence or two on why. Ideally you’ll tweet this to me @Wiswell or leave it in the Comments of this post. It can be from any form of fiction, including sequential art. The answer will look something like this:

Ken Kesey says:

Screwtape from C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters. He spends the whole book advising Wormwood on how to ruin a life and he’s insipid about it.

Though I doubt Mr. Kesey will participate, you are welcome to. I’ll be happy to you’re your name to any blog, page or book you please. Submissions end on Sunday, July 22^nd. On Tuesday, July 24th, we'll see a master list of everyone's answers. Keep your answer short, keep it honest, and we ought to have an interesting and diverse list of what people see as despicable.

So, what do you think?

Trending: Worldwide

1. Christ

2. Fuck

3. #skiesonfire

4. NASA says “angels”

5. fuckingfuckfuck

6. NYC

7. oceans boiling

8. Paris

9. Revelations was

10. Rebecca Black

Bathroom Monologues: Ism

Like all religions, Humanism struggled to appeal to new generations. The next generation just so happened to be killer robots.

Bathroom Monologue: Song and Arrow

Sam had Black Eyed Peas stuck in his head. The witch doctor fixed it. Unfortunately, the arrow stuck in his head was even less comfortable.

“I wish you were dead!” –Commercial for child behavior program

Zaid clutched his father's cold hand and begged him to wake. He didn't move. The son of a genie should never wish his parents were dead.

Bathroom Monologue: Should Tweet and Should Not Tweet

You should not tweet that Idol just started. Everyone knows when it started. It has millions of viewers.

You should tweet that you’ve been smoking in my house and often forget to extinguish your cigarettes.

You should not tweet that you’re uncertain if this peanut butter is expired. The expiration is on the side.

You should tweet that this carpeting cost me over ten thousand dollars and is very flammable.

You should not tweet that your cousin Tiffany is a slut. She isn’t, she will read that, and she will cry.

You should tweet that you can’t tell the difference between the smell of popcorn in a microwave and a house fire upstairs.

You should not tweet bragging that you’ve been in my room. I will read that when I’ll already be in a very bad mood.

Magic, Smoke and Mirrors at Thaumatrope

The busiest publishing "week" of my life ends today, Monday. That's an oblong week. My final external publication is at Thaumatrope.

Today's piece is a super-short about magic, smoke and mirrors. You can read it on Thaumatrope's Twitter feed by clicking here. It's only one tweet long.

Alligators by Twitter on… Twitter?

Today is a big experiment. Flash Fiction Online is live-tweeting “Alligators by Twitter,” my story about a man whose house is attacked by burrowing alligators. He tells it to you via tweets from his cell.

Now FFO is making an actual Twitter feed for him. The story runs all today on the very medium it makes fun of.

You can follow @flashfictionmag to have the story delivered right into your tweet stream.

Alternatively, for people not on Twitter or who want to see the whole thing uninterrupted by what their best friends are eating and watching on TV, you can read it as it’s updated here: http://twitter.com/holegatorguy

Massive thanks go out to the people at FFO for adapting it like this. It should be a lot of fun.

Alligators by Twitter on Flash Fiction Online

"Alligators by Twitter" is over on Flash Fiction Online as part of their April issue.

Alligators by Twitter is the story of a man whose house is attacked by burrowing alligators, tweeted from his Blackberry during the siege.

Flash Fiction Online is an extremely popular venue for flash fiction. They've been at it so long that... well, they managed to get that name before anyone else. That's a while. This is my first pro-rate sale and I'm enormously grateful to them.

You can leave Comments here or at FFO. Thank you for reading.

You can read John Wiswell's "Alligators by Twitter" by clicking this link.

Bathroom Monologue: Trying a kidney joke at twitter length

For the third time that weekend Tim woke up in a tub of ice. He laughed. Those bastards were out of luck. He didn't have any kidneys left.

Bathroom Monologue: New Twitter Committee Law

Due to Twitter going over capacity so frequently, the Twitter Committee is implementing an "adult swim"-style posting policy for the following hours. For the listed hours only specified topics may be tweeted about. Thank you for your 140-character compliance.

11:00-Lunchbreak - Post funny things you found on the internet this morning
1:00-1:59 PM - Conservatives complaining about people who disagree with them
2:00-2:59 PM - Liberals complaining about people who disagree with them
3:00-3:15 PM – People of other political parties complaining about those who disagree with them
3:30-3:40 PM - Chatter about whatever thing Google invented/patented/bought/ruined today
4:00-4:59 (Friday Only) - Buzz about the movie you can't wait to see tonight, AKA "The New Moon Hour"
5:30-6:30 PM - Complain about your day (misc. topics)
6:31-6:59 PM - Apologize for and/or delete tweets once you realize your boss/lover/grandmom could have read them
8:01-9:05 PM - Chatter about whatever is on television where you are
8:01-9:05 AM - Chatter about whatever is on television on the other side of the world; always confusing to you, but we have to be fair

All other topics are free to be discussed at any non-claimed times. This excludes any and all conversations that could be described by the hashtag #whentwitterwasdown. Any discussions that could have such a label are permanently forbidden under the penalty of having your spacebar taken away.

Bathroom Monologue: Livetweeting the Second Coming

For the next hour I will be LiveTweeting from the second coming of Christ. #tweetus

He brought doughnuts! #tweetus

Comes out to Queen. “It’s A Miracle.” Naturally. #tweetus

Be good to each other. Help the homeless. Usual stuff. #tweetus

Has a special guest? #tweetus

I think it's Gandhi. Can He bring back a Hindu? #tweetus

Police are here. Jesus is talking to them. #tweetus

We didn't have a permit for public assembly? Oh come on. #tweetus

How can He get a permit when He was dead until 4:00 PM? #tweetus

He asks everybody to leave peacefully. "Leave unto Caesar..." Awesome sense of humor. #tweetus

Says he'll see us all next year. Some of us sooner. He winked at me. That was disconcerting. #tweetus

Everyone seems pretty happy. Not what He used to be, but you knew what you'd get. #tweetus

By LiveTweeting, are you admitting all your other tweets are dead inside? #tweetus

#trickortweet

Sick of their brethren's mutilation, the pumpkins took up knives. This year, it would be the children that were carved.

The Best of Bathroom Monologue Twittering

"Michael Jackson Funeral Set For Tuesday At Staples Center" -NPR

"Jackson to be buried under children's water fountain." -Unconfirmed



Bronze statue of Ronald Reagan unveiled today. "I didn't know he was black!" say children.



"Decades After WWII, Female Pilots Finally Honored " –NPR

"Sitcoms not worth producing, but their progressive themes had merit" -Anonymous



"Organization Of American States Meets On Honduras" –NPR

"Honduran government worried how American land masses will return home." -Anonymous



"Obama Hopes For New Russian Relationship" -NPR

"President hopes she's blonde" -Anonymous



No one ever mentions it, but a synonym for “motherf*cker” is “dad.”



"Oil Price Rise Leads To Proposed Crackdown On Speculators" –NPR

"President: Thinking about what's coming causes ulcers, stress" -Anonymous



Gail Simone asks for worst possible Superhero Movie Casting:

Jeff Goldblum as Mr. Fantastic, Ru Paul as Sue Storm, Richard Simmons as Johnny, Julian McMahon as Doom



"Need For Campaign Cash Opens Door For Lobbyists " –NPR

"Lobbyists go missing; door to Twilight Zone found mysteriously open." -Anonymous



"Iraqi Insurgents Turn To Small But Deadly Weapon" –NPR

"Terrorists may find Hercules Beetle's name deceptive" -Anonymous



“Report: Sotomayor Is 'Solidly In The Mainstream' Of Her Circuit" –NPR

"Solid objects move slower in streams than liquids." -Science Teacher



"Ghosts Of Nominees Past Haunt Sotomayor Hearing" –NPR

"Supreme Court Nominee bursts into hysterics at Christmas carols." -Anonymous



"Forget The Frisbee, Cool Dogs Catch Waves" -NPR

"Cats catch particles, theorize on nature of light." -Anonymous



"Kim Jong Il Reported Ill; Who Will Take His Place?" –NPR

"Kim Jong IV Eyeing Throne." -Anonymous



"Obama Challenges Critics On Health Care " –NPR

"Obama will arm wrestle you for free medicine. Be a man, Congress." -Anonymous



“CIA Director Leon Panetta Threatened To Quit Over Justice's Torture Tack" –NPR

"Gummy tacks are less painful, more humane." –Anonymous



"Court Rules Law Enforcement Went Too Far In Baseball Steroid Probe" –NPR

"Judge: if it goes over the fence, they can shoot it up." -Fan



"Giuliani May Have His Eye On The New York Governor's Mansion" –NPR

"Child dispatched with pool skimmer to get eye off roof" -Anonymous



"Washington Prepares to Say Farewell" –NPR

"George: Okay, I'm going. But please do something about those slaves." –Anonymous



"Is Pentagon Trying To Shape War Coverage?" –NPR

"This conflict has five sides." -Anonymous



"Man Bites Off Tip Of Another Man's Pinky Finger At Health-Care Protest" –NPR

"Surgery Too Expensive, Pinky Discarded." -Anonymous

#classicsontwitter 2

Once again, a bonus post with classics adapted to Twitter.

Don Quixote: Demented romantic goes on adventures that are all delusion. Twice. Sidekick becomes a governor.

The Crucible: Some girls accuse another of being a witch. Adults are also accused, and all their lives are ruined.

Arabian Nights: Girl tells a new story each night to keep her husband from killing her. He is hooked. She lives.

Canterbury Tales: Pilgrims have a storytelling contest to entertain themselves and bother each other. No one wins.

Three Musketeers: Four men with no muskets foil a plot against France.

Gone with the Wind: Privileged Southerner lives out the civil war in surprising comfort. Everybody but her leaves or dies.

Tale of Genji: The son of the emperor has lots of sex. Slowly, his friends and family die. He is sad.

Les Miserables: Jean leaves prison, steals silverware, and runs for mayor under a fake identity. He dies of old age.

Gilgamesh: The king was too cool, so the gods sent a wildman to humble him. They hang out. Wildman dies. King is sad.

Catch-22: Guy can’t stop fighting in the war unless he’s crazy, and isn’t crazy if he wants to stop. He runs away.

Lord of the Rings: Little guy has to destroy a magic ring. Everyone else fights the bad guys. Little guy destroys ring.

The Odyssey: Hero fights monsters on his long voyage home. Once home, he kills his guests.

Pride and Prejudice: Attractive people like other attractive people but don’t marry them fast enough. Hijinx ensue.

Frankenstein: Doctor sews together bodies to make a new guy. Body-Guy kills people. Body-Guy and Doctor die in the Arctic.

Lord of the Flies: Some boys are shipwrecked and become increasingly tribal and violent. Adults show up. The end.

Things Fall Apart: Europeans slowly take over an African village. Town leader hangs himself in defeat.

One Hundred Years of Solitude: Several generations struggle with the history of their town. Naturally, most die.

To Kill a Mockingbird: Children grow up with a quiet father who defends a black man against racist judiciary. He wins.

#classicsontwitter

A Sunday bonus, the transcript of last night's #classicsontwitter from www.twitter.com/Wiswell. The game was to adapt classics of literature onto Twitter. It's very similar to a project I did in college, "ObLiteration," which may have to come back.

Tonight we remake classics of literature for Twitter!

Moby Dick: Crew and crazy captain look for a white whale. And look. And look. And look. Then it kills them.

Grapes of Wrath: Family is poor, needs work. Travels west. Everybody is poor. No jobs in the west.

Great Gatsby: Rich guy is sad his girlfriend married another. Misses her. Hooks up with her and is shot by her husband.

The Iliad: Greeks can't get into Troy. Achilles won't help. His buddy dies. He helps. Greeks still outside.

Huckleberry Finn: Boy flees father, slave flees master. Hijinx ensue until dad is dead and slave is emancipated. Whoops!

Catcher in the Rye: Boy leaves school to whine at hookers and family. Winds up crazy, apparently.

Hamlet: Prince feigns insanity to cover up king's ghost told him to kill people. Everyone dies.

One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest: Sane man in an insane asylum. Hates nurse. Hijinx ensue. Gets lobotomized.

The Metamorphosis: Man turns into a giant bug. He dies.

The Scarlet Letter: Hester has a child out of wedlock. She is ostracized. She dies.

Crime and Pushiment: Poor guy kills rich woman. Gets sick, gets caught, goes to jail in Siberia.

War and Peace: Several aristocratic families rise and fall during the Napoleanic conquest. Most fall.

Gulliver's Travels: Man visits and island of tiny people, then giants, then talking horses, then goes crazy.

1984: A man has sex with an insurgent. The government brainwashes him.

Romeo & Juliet: Two teens are in love. The parents disapprove. She fakes dying. He kills himself. She kills herself.

Cyrano de Bergerac: An ugly but brilliant man uses another guy as a puppet to tell a pretty girl how he feels. He dies.

The Aeneid: A soldier without a country woos a queen, ditches her, fights monsters and founds Rome.