The Best of Bathroom Monologue Twittering

"Michael Jackson Funeral Set For Tuesday At Staples Center" -NPR

"Jackson to be buried under children's water fountain." -Unconfirmed



Bronze statue of Ronald Reagan unveiled today. "I didn't know he was black!" say children.



"Decades After WWII, Female Pilots Finally Honored " –NPR

"Sitcoms not worth producing, but their progressive themes had merit" -Anonymous



"Organization Of American States Meets On Honduras" –NPR

"Honduran government worried how American land masses will return home." -Anonymous



"Obama Hopes For New Russian Relationship" -NPR

"President hopes she's blonde" -Anonymous



No one ever mentions it, but a synonym for “motherf*cker” is “dad.”



"Oil Price Rise Leads To Proposed Crackdown On Speculators" –NPR

"President: Thinking about what's coming causes ulcers, stress" -Anonymous



Gail Simone asks for worst possible Superhero Movie Casting:

Jeff Goldblum as Mr. Fantastic, Ru Paul as Sue Storm, Richard Simmons as Johnny, Julian McMahon as Doom



"Need For Campaign Cash Opens Door For Lobbyists " –NPR

"Lobbyists go missing; door to Twilight Zone found mysteriously open." -Anonymous



"Iraqi Insurgents Turn To Small But Deadly Weapon" –NPR

"Terrorists may find Hercules Beetle's name deceptive" -Anonymous



“Report: Sotomayor Is 'Solidly In The Mainstream' Of Her Circuit" –NPR

"Solid objects move slower in streams than liquids." -Science Teacher



"Ghosts Of Nominees Past Haunt Sotomayor Hearing" –NPR

"Supreme Court Nominee bursts into hysterics at Christmas carols." -Anonymous



"Forget The Frisbee, Cool Dogs Catch Waves" -NPR

"Cats catch particles, theorize on nature of light." -Anonymous



"Kim Jong Il Reported Ill; Who Will Take His Place?" –NPR

"Kim Jong IV Eyeing Throne." -Anonymous



"Obama Challenges Critics On Health Care " –NPR

"Obama will arm wrestle you for free medicine. Be a man, Congress." -Anonymous



“CIA Director Leon Panetta Threatened To Quit Over Justice's Torture Tack" –NPR

"Gummy tacks are less painful, more humane." –Anonymous



"Court Rules Law Enforcement Went Too Far In Baseball Steroid Probe" –NPR

"Judge: if it goes over the fence, they can shoot it up." -Fan



"Giuliani May Have His Eye On The New York Governor's Mansion" –NPR

"Child dispatched with pool skimmer to get eye off roof" -Anonymous



"Washington Prepares to Say Farewell" –NPR

"George: Okay, I'm going. But please do something about those slaves." –Anonymous



"Is Pentagon Trying To Shape War Coverage?" –NPR

"This conflict has five sides." -Anonymous



"Man Bites Off Tip Of Another Man's Pinky Finger At Health-Care Protest" –NPR

"Surgery Too Expensive, Pinky Discarded." -Anonymous