Sunday, November 18, 2007

Bathroom Monologue: Coming This Fall

Mark Twain: The team needs goofy comic relief. This Southern gentleman already likes to travel, and has a great imagination. Just don’t let him near the team’s finances.

Captain America: It’s been sixty years since World War II, and the guy still gets everything done solely through the use of a shield. His genius will be essential to the team. If he refuses, call Michael Jordan.

Jesus Christ: Every team needs a powerhouse. I’ve heard he has a good moral compass, and even if the rest of his superpowers are somehow cancelled out, he can still take out North Korea with a single phone call to Dad.

Godzilla: Now, if Jesus hasn’t paid his cellphone bill that month, we can always fall back on Godzilla. He’s really turned his life around, and has starred in more movies than anyone, except maybe Dracula. And come on. Godzilla can take Dracula. At worst, Dracula would bite Godzilla, and then he’s got to contend with Vampire Godzilla.

Harriet Myers: So women's groups don't complain. Plus, when she ultimately fails to meet expectations, we can replace her with whomever the Hell we want. I’m thinking Simon Bolivar; I heard one time he flipped out, and totally killed everyone. Either that, or he liberated all of Latin America. I don’t know. I didn’t do so well in A.P. African History.

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