Sunday, May 4, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: The Family that ****s Together, Sticks Together, OR, Calm Down, It’s Pro-Sense of Humor.

For the newly formed Family Love Union, the rational argument against incest ended with the creation of the condom.

“Really, the only logical reason against incest is birth defects,” says Barnie Hownson. “The genes don’t match up, so you have an increased risk of mental or physical defects.” But today, his group claims, this argument doesn’t work. “We’ve got birth control pills, morning after pills, diaphragms, condoms, and a woman’s right to choose. Consenting brothers and sisters who want to try it don’t run that risk anymore.”

Drawn into a debate, incest-lobbyists ask for other potential objections. “It always boils down to ickyness. Me kissing my dad gives you the willies,” says Sally Hownson, Barnie’s sister. “Well lesbianism makes me gag, but I don’t have the right to stop them unless they’re doing it in public. What me, my brother and cousin do behind closed doors is every bit as private as what the president does with a hooker.”

Incest-lobbyists are also looking to file lawsuits on behalf of the government against all non-incestual couples who have children with genetically-caused disabilities, stating they are placing the same burden on the world as incestual parents, but doing it with much greater frequency. “There are perfectly healthy children born of intra-family marriages,” says one protestor. “It’s all a crapshoot. If we can’t play craps, then neither can they.”

The Family Love Union’s stance on fecalphilia is neutral.

The lobby recently threw down the gauntlet saying that if their lifestyle really was immoral, they demanded Congress pass a bill outlawing mothers kissing their children goodnight. One poster at a protest read, “No partial-birth abortions, no kisses good night!”

If the Hownsons and their hundreds of incestuous friends have one message, they want it to be this: “We don’t pass judgment on you for marrying strangers. Don’t judge us for being more practical.”

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