Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: In the Blink

"My best friend is Splitsecond, a superhuman speedster. I'm pretty sure that he's faster than me, but he never runs at top speed on account of his asthma. It's funny, but when your molecules vibrate a million times quicker than everything else on the planet, you can outpace everybody else without breaking a sweat. One day, just for fun, we busted out the complete works of Shakespeare. Did the tragedies in under a minute. Shakespeare is very moving when you're speaking faster than sound can travel.

“He's a media whore. I've never gotten into that moral quagmire, but he's the millionaire, so what do I know? He's licensed his name and likeness to clothing, bicycles, and sports equipment (his shoes sell ridiculously well). There's a Splitsecond candybar. All granola and healthy energy, of course. His face is on one of those NASCARs, too. It never wins. I never let him live it down, either. How could you?

“I’m bulletproof, can fly, can see through walls or just plain punch through them, but Splitsecond is much more popular than me. He's a social critter. He basically leads the team and appears at every public event in his hometown - sometimes simultaneously. He's fast and showy about it. Can sign an autograph before you know you want it (and you will – they’re twenty bucks guaranteed on eBay, thirty if it’s on one of his million trading cards).

“He scored a hot wife, a man-hating Amazon. I don't know how they get along, considering one glance at a guy usually makes her snort smoke. Looking into her eyes makes you feel like a matador, and while he’s fast... he's kind of a twig. There's no question of who the boss in that marriage, and sometimes the way she yells at him, I wonder why she hasn't outright killed him yet. It may have something to do with her pet name for him: "My little vibrator." I try not to think about it. It's best not to."

1 comment:

  1. Oh my dear gods. I think I shrieked at the end of this one.

    You are SUCH a good person to know. (And read.)


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