Thursday, June 5, 2008

Bathroom Monologue: Keyboard Psychology

There is a new (and highly dubious) intellectual pursuit of psychoanalyzing the dead based on biographical information. As we read their letters or find signs of syphilis in their bones, specialists pretend to know more about the truth of their minds. Sometimes it’s hilarious, such as the modern revelation that Aesop (of Fables fame) wasn’t a real person. We seem to know more about the ancient world as we get further away from it by looking at things the ancient world had but didn’t care about. If an psycho-anthropologist finds your shoes in a thousand years, she may divine more about your personality than your current neighbors.

If I died tomorrow, I wonder how someone would psychoanalyze this keyboard. There are certain letters I use far more than others – I can tell because several of the keys are almost worn blank. The ‘N’ key is completely blank, and the ‘O’ is almost completely gone, which leaves me thinking I’m a very negative person who’s typed “No” far more than “Yes.”

Of ‘Y,’ ‘E,’ and, ‘S,’ only the ‘S’ is fading, and it’s still in identifiable shape. Its neighbor, the ‘A’ key, has faded to one slanted line, heading northeast. Similarly, the ‘N’ key’s neighbor, ‘M,’ is just a vertical line now. I guess those two regions have high activity. Perhaps my hands rest on the periphery of the board. The ‘L’ key is also coming apart, which supports this pre-posthumous theory. But what doesn’t explain why the ‘H’ key is going to Hell. Oh… right, “H-E-L-L.”

Well, that explains that mystery. Frankly, I’m surprised the ‘F,’ ‘U,’ ‘C,’ and, ‘K’ keys haven’t broken off yet.

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