Bathroom Monologue: Seems to Me

“This isn't what it seems! ... Okay, it's exactly what it seems. German Shepherds are actually the smartest species on the planet and have been toying with us all along. I still can’t believe we didn’t figure it out when they made figure skating an Olympic event. But now isn’t the time for hindsight, Charlene! We have to counterattack before the realize we’ve caught on. … What? Yes, of course they made me cheat on you. Why else would I have done it? You think I’m attracted to this supermodel? She means nothing to me! It was the German Shepherds, Charlene! The German Shepherds!"