Friday, February 13, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Calmly

Good morning. Please disregard the explosions outside your window. Please disregard fallacious news reports of millions of invading drones. There are no more than a few hundred in your district. You and your neighbors will be able to overcome them in a matter of hours. Many of your neighbors are already outside providing a heroic insurgency. If your neighbors are not already outside defending democracy, then they are either cowards and you should go outside and set an example, or you live in relative isolation. If you live in relative isolation then the enemy has not sent as many drones to your area, and are likely not anticipating the heroic insurgency you will soon provide. Calmly take any household firearms in hand and charge the drones when ready. If you possess no firearms, calmly look about your home for weaponizable items such as table legs, walking sticks or IV drip stands. If individuals claim these items are necessary for their survival, point out their cowardice in not having charged the enemy yet. If they seem disturbed, urge them to please disregard the explosions outside the window, and then try again. Good luck in defending democracy, citizen.

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