Thursday, April 2, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Dead Wrong

So while the notion that the dead ascend and become an army of guardian angels who watch over and shine upon the living is still popular, there are dissenting views. For instance there is the theory that the ascended dead continue to be the petty, bigoted assholes they were in life.

The living make very quick judgments on others.

“That slut is wearing way too tight a skirt.”

“You can tell he’s lying. Look at that suit.”

“That fat ass doesn’t even try to lose weight, even though he’s jogging.”

Natural disasters have occurred since time immemorial, as have erroneous and negative snap judgments. Under this theory, the two are linked, but given immortality and heavenly power, the dead can do more than just glare. The judgmental dead are passing judgments on we slutty, lying and fat living through earthquakes and avalanches. A volcano erupting is your great grandma’s way of telling you to change your top.

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