Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Casper the Friendly Director

[The booth exists not in a bar today, but on the surface of Pluto. GARY sits alone on his side of the booth, wearing an astronaut’s suit. SPIDER, in a spandex superhero costume, and DARKLOSS SOULRIPPER VON ALUCARDIA, in a smoking jacket, sit on the opposite side of the booth. The exposure does not seem to bother the superhero, the vampire or the planet.]

Gary: It’s a dark cartoon. Casper the Dead Child.
Pluto: It’s Casper the Friendly Ghost!
Gary: He’s the ghost of a child. How do you think that happened? It’s bleak.
Darkloss: It’d make Hitchcock cry.
Spider: I always thought Casper looked like Hitchcock. Pot-belly, round-faced, and something about the eyes.
Pluto: Maybe he is the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock, who secretly died as a boy.
Darkloss: That’s why he was so emotionless in all those movie trailers and intros. He was actually a husk.
Pluto: A borderline zombie.
Spider: It’s an attitude that makes handling diva actresses a lot easier.
Gary: Plus, look at all the movies he did with Jimmy Stewart. Don’t exactly need an ace director to get that to work.
Pluto: Then it’s settled. Casper is the ghost of the true Alfred Hitchcock.
Gary: That sounds surprisingly less bleak than any of the components that brought us to that conclusion would have made me think.
Spider: I wonder who the little witch he hangs around with is…

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