Bathroom Monologue: An Open Letter to String, from my Sister’s Cat

Dear String,

Fuck you. One day I will catch you, and I will bite the crap out of you. I will claw until there is nothing left, then I’ll get a little bored, and then I’ll bite you again. You think you’re so high and mighty, with your magical ability to fly. Well I can’t fly, but I’m a carnivore. Did you see what I did to that bird? Yeah. That’s an eighth of what’s coming your way the day you let your guard down. I will unravel you until the dog can swallow you, and then I’m going to see to it that you’re digested. She eats my turds. You’ll be a delicacy.

Sometimes I wonder why I hate you so much. It seems like we’ve never gotten along. Then you twirl over my head and it all comes back to me.

I never knew my mother. All I remember is a cardboard box and people picking my cuter siblings. When I see you swinging near me, I suddenly know that you stole my family. I don’t have any evidence, but I’m a sub-primate mammal. That means I don’t need evidence. I know what you did, and I’m going to kill you. Keep dancing over my head, you cocky son of a bitch. You won’t always escape me, and one day I’m going to introduce you to the business end of a dog.

Sincerely,
The Cat