Monday, October 19, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: While Shaving Monologue

I’ve always said one in the hand is worth two in the bush, because you can take the one in your hand and beat the two in the bush to death with it. Then you’ve got one in the hand and two in your bag. On your way home you stop by the wet nurse’s place, chat her up about the day’s work, and give her one from her bag. Make sure it’s the nicest one of the three. Then you’ll have one in the hand, one in the bag, and one that might get you into her shrubbery. You’ve been looking for an “in” there, haven’t you? Then you head on home and elbow Cain in the side, asking him how that vegetarianism is going for him as you cook your two in the pot. Two in the pot, while your idiot brother eats the bush. Maybe you invite him over for supper, since you have two in the pot anyway, and he’s been glaring at you lately. But there you go: you’ve got one in the hand, another hand on the wet nurse’s thigh, and Cain won’t commit fratricide this week. That’s why you should be a hunter, not a gatherer, my friends.

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