Thursday, November 5, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Bathtub Monologue

If you can’t say it briefly, it’s probably stupid. Like, novels are a waste of time. Nothing should be longer than a short story. Fucking War and Peace? I never finished that shit. Paradise Lost? Fucking Dante’s Inferno? That’s boring, pretentious shit. Nobody needs that. Just get to the point and finish. Even most short stories are too long. That’s why I don’t read them. They’re always wasting your time, you know? Everything is, really. Like movies. Like, it’s great that they’re taking a two-week reading thing and crunching it into one movie, but ninety minutes? Or like, two hours? No movie needs to be that long. Can’t you tell Gone with the Wind in, like, sixty minutes? If you just made King Kong the fight scene against the t-rexes, that’d be badass. But, like, Milk? Or Lord of the Rings? Couldn’t Lord of the Rings be shorter? Three fucking movies? It feels like, if you can’t shorten that way down, to where it takes about as long to watch as it does to look at the movie posters, you’re really lazy. It should be like TV, but shorter. Like Youtube, but like, even shorter, because a lot of those videos go way too long. I blame books. Fucking Paradise Lost. Pretentious fiction shit. Scientists don’t take that long to make their point. Got to be like Darwin, you know? Just the data. In and out. Like, four pages at most.


  1. This is really funny. I'm still laughing as I type. Fucking pretentious shit. Fucking Paradise Lost. Give me a headline, I don't need to know the news.


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