Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: Dear Pet Owners Weekly

Dear Pet Owners Weekly;

I do not own a cat or a dog, but can’t help feeling the debate between their owners is disruptive and ultimately useless. Anyone not enamored with these pets can see that dogs are morons and that cats would eat you in a second if they were big enough. This may seem like a bias given my choice of pets, but I've never met an ill-tempered bulldozer. When you really think about it, they are the optimum companions.

Consider maintenance. You have to feed a dog every single day. Sometimes more than once a day. Meanwhile you only have to feed the bulldozer when you want to ride it.

Also, have you ever tried to clean a dog with a hose? They hate it. They're so annoying, constantly running away, and if you get them wet they flail and spatter your clothes. But if you pay this affection to a bulldozer it will just sit there, even if you spray it between the tires. Try spraying a cat down there. I dare you. It'll convert you to bulldozers immediately.

Some say the bulldozer lacks compassion. There is nothing like a heavily panting dog or purring kitten. I dare these people to compare the purr of any kitten to the purr of a bulldozer’s engine. You can compare them, on the decibel level.

One time my family had a dog, Julie. There was this neighbor who threw a party for her terrier and invited all the other dogs over, which admittedly was pretty stupid. My sister and mother took Julie anyway. During the festivities, a pit bull got out of control and mauled Julie. She was very badly hurt and the hospital bills were outrageous. Thankfully she recovered.

I was thinking about that recently. I've taken my bulldozer to a lot of parties. Even human-centric parties. It has never lost a fight.

The only downside to the bulldozer is that when it dies you can't flush it down the toilet. In that sense I guess the crane is the best possible pet, because it can dig its own grave. But up until that tearful day, the bulldozer is pretty clearly the most loyal and reliable pet on the market.


1 comment:

  1. haha love the toilet part!

    I would personally choose the kitten, but to each his own.

    PS- you know you love that damn cat.
    <3 Deirdre


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