Friday, December 25, 2009

Bathroom Monologue: A Necessary Getaway

Listen to John Wiswell's Necessary Getaway or download the MP3 here.

He moved north at the first opportunity. Way north. He cut all ties, even to his mother, which was the hardest on him. He was a mama's boy. His hair went white from all the stress, including his beard. He took that as a sign to change his appearance and began dressing in pants as soon as they were invented. He spent so long in sedentary hiding that he put on tremendous weight, face filling out, giving him rosy cheeks in the snowy environment. He stayed in doors as much as possible, but always came out around his birthday. It was too lonely, even with the elves that had found him and made camps all around his house. They fashioned him thick boots and gloves that comforted his scarred extremities so much he took up carpentry again, making little wooden toys. The gregarious wee folk did so much for his spirits that he reached out to a similar-sized people - children. He only went out on his birthday, but brought a sack of the toys with him for those boys and girls who had the right attitude. There were always more gifts to give, too, as the elves copied his work and began production for every good child. And associating with children turned out to actually help, for in his old life he had been an average-sized Jew, but to children he was a giant. So his new identity was a rosy-cheeked and plump man with gifts and white hair. Even though he only went south on his birthday, no one made the connection. He was safe. No one down there ever guessed that Santa Claus was an alias.


  1. Great twist on the mystery of the man formerly known as Santa Claus.

    Merry, merry Christmas John. I hope this year treats you well. Peace, Linda

  2. Very cool. A cool origin story, but now I want to know what Santa did to need to change his identity. Good story!

  3. I left clues as to who he used to be, but I can't say. That'd spoil it!

  4. So that's how Santa came about. :)
    Here's to a great year for you, full of abundance and joy.

  5. A riddle. Something is tickling my brain. A name...who is it ?!? I need to think on this more.

    Very fun, John. Merry Christmas!

  6. It's Mel Gibson, right?

    Well, he used to be a carpenter.

  7. Very clever, John. I've figured it out, but won't say a word - promise. I hope you had a terrific Christmas and wish you the best for the coming year.

  8. We tend not to think much about Santa's backstory - well done.

    I've got an idea about who he is. Will look forward to seeing how close I came.

  9. This is turning out to be a different kind of fun than I intended! Most amusing, and it's showing me something about my writing I didn't previously consider.

    I'm still not going to say (I can't ruin this), but I will list eight of the clues in the text:

    1. He was a "mama's boy"
    2. He used to be thin
    3. He used to have a beard but it was not white
    4. He has scars on his "extremities"
    5. He was born before pants were invented
    6. He used to do carpentry
    7. He was a Jew
    8. His birthday falls close to the only day of the year Santa Claus leaves his house

  10. Very clever tale, and yes, I guessed it, even before your hints! That was fun!
    Merry Christ-mas! hehe

  11. I thought you might have been hinting at Jesus, but I needed to mull it over more. Your hints pushed it over the edge. Such a fun idea, John! Thank you for the christmas fun.

  12. Cool story - i liked this a lot. I figured it was either Jesus or Bernie Madoff ;-)

  13. hmmm you got me thinking... cool story

  14. The witness relocation program could learn a few things from Santa

  15. Love the idea of this! Why Santa would need an alias will stay with me for awhile, I think.

  16. Thanks for all the kind words, everyone!


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