Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Why Curling Rules

-It’s a winter sport people play in t-shirts.

-It’s an ice sport people play in sneakers.

-It’s one of the few sports that makes even less sense in slow motion replays.

-My wife hates it but the brat cries if she changes the channel. She’s forced to watch it and finally feel how I do every American Idol season.

-What the Hell is up with the brooms? Is it for when the ice melts, to sweep away the water? Why would they use them from the beginning, then? Is it for friction, to melt the ice and make it even more slippery? Is it to scuff up the ice and give it traction? They seem to use the same brooms to do all those things! Not knowing makes it even more fascinating when they get so intense with their sweeping.

-It’s like bowling if the pins were frozen underground and other people took turns throwing balls at your ball.

-No honey, you can’t put on E! Curling’s still going and it’s not the brat’s bedtime yet, is it?

-Games go way longer than they need to! There are, like, ten rounds! Each one’s a whole game. Why play ten? I don’t know. But they’re hypnotic.

-The Olympic players still all look like dudes! Not Basketball giants or the gymnasts who look like they missed two stages of puberty. One of the German throwers looks like Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters!

-What’s that? Idol’s about to end and you missed the whole thing? Let’s ask the brat if you can check who got eliminated during the commercials.

-Seriously, how do they not fall when they’re running sideways on ice? Why wasn’t the first Olympic sport?

-Hurling rocks should be supported in all its forms.

-What do you think curls in this game?

-No, she’s not asleep. Are you honey? No, you want a soda? Yeah, you want a soda.

-Venkman’s going to win! Who you gonna call!

-No, no she can stay up later! It’s a school night but she’s got Gym first period. You don’t think in Gym and it’ll wake her up. No! No… Fine. Idol.

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