Friday, March 12, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Do Not Hug the Golem

A golem is the best friend you could have. Forget slutty eternal elves. Forget conniving humans. Just because they're your species, or have blood in their veins, or brains and personalities to match that blood, does not make them good friends or reliable business partners. In fact, all those features make them distinctly bad business partners.

One reason you want the golem as a best friend is that he'll never hog the seats during travel. If there's only room for one on the carriage, he'll let you sit. If you only have one horse, he'll let you ride it. He will walk.

Another reason you want the golem as your best friend is that when you're stranded in the middle of the wilderness, he won't kill the carriage’s horse for food. He doesn't eat except when he's nervous, and then he only snacks on dirt. You can't ride dirt to safety.

Also, once the horse has been cooked and gone bad, your golem best friend won't turn on you. He won't try to cannibalize your left arm under the rationalization that you're a righty.

The golem best friend also won't run off in the middle of the night, abandoning you once it's obvious that he can't eat you in your sleep.

The golem is a better friend because he will actually carry you back to civilization. You’ll be sick from hunger, utterly useless to him, and he’ll cradle you in his craggy arms until homes are in sight. Even when the villagers run at him with pitchforks and torches, he'll stay with you until you get a hot meal.

Now after that, he will run away. To be fair, all best friends will run away once you're safe and people are stabbing them with farm equipment.

However very few best friends will then loiter on the city limits, hiding behind the biggest tree available, until you're healthy and ready to disembark.

The only downside to the golem best friend is that he'll break your ribs when he hugs you upon seeing you again.

Do not hug the golem.


  1. LOL! Of course all best friends will run away if stabbed with farm equipment...too funny!

    Thanks for the smile :-)

  2. Let's see...there's Isaac Bashevis Singer, Michael Chabon, and now you who know that having a golem in one's life makes so many things easier!

    Except the hugging. That's not a good thing... heh.

    Very enjoyable!

  3. Brilliant,gently surprising and humorous ending.

    I loved the farm equipment line, too.

  4. wild my friend truly wild that mind of yours..

  5. Like it. Everybody needs a golem for a best friend.

  6. It made me sad that best friends run away... until the pitchfork explanation.

  7. Where can I get myself one of those golems?

  8. I loved the tone of this. Breezy and yet full of warmth at the same time. Good stuff

    marc nash

  9. This was really cute! The visuals that come along with it are great too. Poor golem needs a golem friend to hug :)

  10. I like Violet's idea - golem on golem hugging! That'll fix it. Very cute piece!

  11. :-)

    one can hardly blame one's friends for fleeing to avoid being stabbed by pitchforks

  12. Excellent set-up for the last line. I enjoyed this from start to finish!

  13. This was really cute in a weird sort of way. [ducks golem hug] Eeek my ribs!

  14. good laugh as always and bearing important public service information. Great title to boot.

  15. Love it, John! Thanks for sharing! Very funny. Love the farm equipment line. I'd like a golem of my own. Be on the look out for Ramsey's when he posts his. I know may not be as humorous as this one, but it will probably be very scary. I beta read part of his serial killer novel. *shudders*


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