Friday, June 18, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Get Rid of #1

There is an audio edition of this monologue. Click on this text to download the MP3, or click the triangle on the left to listen.

I knew you’d ask me some day. Eventually he’d know too much. He was coddled, overpaid, overpraised, and inevitably became a liability. Now he needs to go. But how do we kill the world’s greatest hitman? The #1 hands-on murderer?

Here's how.

Set up a puppet company years in advance, slowly building its own identity so that it looks unconnected to us. This puppet company can do lots of things. Like backing Latin American coups. Like bribing domestic senators. Like running guns into Africa. Lots of things that build good reputation among bad people. If you're so pressed for time that you can't build up a puppet company right now, you can borrow mine. Just this once.

The puppet company hires #1 to go out and kill #2. The second greatest hitman. Mildly deranged and incredibly connected. There are few targets so difficult to find and so dangerous to pursue. #1 is lucky that #2 doesn’t know he’s coming.

We tell #2 the son of a bitch is on his way. We give him plenty of warning, and because we look completely unrelated to the evil puppet company that hired #1, we don’t look suspicious. #2 arms up, grateful to us and pissed at a guy he’s resented for years anyway.

Now if #1 does kill #2? Bonus. Because #2 was going to ascend to the top spot when we killed #1, and who wants that? He’s deranged. He overcharges. He’s got a cancerous ego. He would have become just as much a liability, and he fucked my daughter.

Now you say to me, "Broker, #2 might not kill #1 even with preparation. He’s not as good a killer – that’s why he’s #2."

That is why we reach out to save #2 from the evil puppet company. He’s done wetwork for us before and we declare, duplicitously, that we want him to live. While #1 is in the field, cut off from information unrelated to his target, we hire the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh top hitmen to chase down and kill #1 before he succeeds. Thusly #1 will have #2 lying in wait for him in Barbados, and five more killers chasing behind. With that many men on his tail, if he isn’t killed in the crossfire, he'll be strangled in an elevator or poisoned by complimentary hotel wine. He will not live to cash the puppet company's check.

#7 is given the proviso that if #2 survives, to kill him when no one’s looking. If he gets caught, we’ll blame it on tampering from the puppet company.

That last part is just a professional recommendation. Regardless, we’ll get rid of #1.


  1. You do all of this in your bathroom? Impressive monologue here. Planning is precisely frightening to the point that it could be...of course not. Ta.

  2. Good if you're number 7... Represents a promotion.

    This reminded me of "Reservoir Dogs". That's a good thing I think.

    Did you cut yourself shaving while looking into the mirror composing this one? I think it would have been fitting...

    marc nash

  3. Ah nothing like reducing headcount.
    Delightfully Evil. : )

  4. So number 7 basically goes from janitor to CEO in a single, convoluted as all hell twist of elimination tactics. Excellent.

    I giggled all the way through this. Great job!

  5. Fun story. The audio is just a wee bit fast for me. Spoken clearly, but fast.

  6. What JDane said. That's what I thought. :)

  7. Hitmen, corporations and coups, gets my vote anyday great stuff.

  8. Dragon, Sulci, would it change your opinions if I told you #7 was the Broker's nephew?

    Kil, I composed it in there, but recorded it at the computer. I'm not that tech savvy.

    Monica, thanks! You always need to clear brush from the top.

    David, sorry the audio was too fast for you. I was going for a little motivational speaker or salesman vibe and possibly pushed it too fast. Curious if other people also dislike the delivery.

  9. Hahahha. You are so EVIL! I really don't know where you get these ideas? Well, actually, since your itnerview over at Cathy's place, I DO! Most excellent, Sir Wiz! Peace...

  10. Not exactly an air tight plan, but you'll get rid of quite a few in the process. :)

  11. Great pace. Beguiling. Looking forward to reading more of your flashes of inspiration.

  12. Now THAT is effective succession management planning!

    Well done, sir!

  13. Hitmen ... given the Wiswell treatment. Part farce. Part slapstick and very twisted in its humor.

    Pssst... In your audio message in the precede, the arrow is on the left, not right.

  14. Loved it. I have to say that I enjoyed your audio delivery. Fast, yes, but it made the story that much better. The narrator would be talking like that, so it works perfectly. Great story as usual, John!

  15. LOL - I suspect the company's name is Paranoia Incorporated! The terrible thing is, I could actually picture this happening in some government agency, somewhere...

    Terrific story. :D

  16. Thanks for the heads up, Anthony! Nice when someone will tell the emperor he has no clothes.

    Danielle, you think it might backfire?

    Alison, come back any time. I post new material daily.

    Eric, good to know some people liked the recording. Does anyone else have thoughts on the audio?

    Aislinn, Paranoia Inc. works. But if governments could do it, why not big businesses?

  17. Sounds like #1's a gonner. Loved how "and he fucked my daughter" was thrown in almost as an aside.

  18. Absolutely love this. Love the style, love the tension, love the cocky, callous voice. Fantastic.

  19. Mark, I had to slip the Broker's real motivation in there somewhere.

    Leah, thank you! That was heartening feedback to read.

  20. Can the puppet company make puppets? Just asking cuz that would add another dimension for me. Like I have this picture in my head of Big Bird and Ernie offing Oscar.

    This was hilarious and I liked hearing you read it. Fun.

  21. I think this needs to be a movie. Make it happen.

  22. First time here... and its the best thing I ever clicked on twitter.

    This is epic stuff!

  23. Oh my. That's a cut throat corporation.Laughed aloud at this...

  24. What a tangled web...delightful! And a bonus hearing you read it.

  25. Funny again, and a little sick. I too laughed at the slip in of "fucked my daughter".

    Before I read the comments, I thought the delivery was too fast. Your inflection gives the "motivational speaker" personae--the fast-pace distracts and the listener has to concentrate too hard to keep up with the action. (ten years in radio, took me forever to slow down)

  26. I loved listening to the audio WHILE I followed along with the text [don't try that while driving]

    The smile in your voice when you delivered the line about the daughter...oh man....I laughed out loud. Do you remember Seinfeld cracking himself up from time to time in his opening bits? That's what it put me in mind of.

    Loved this John.


  27. I listened to the audio and followed along reading it as well. Loved the story, I thought it was a pretty cool idea. And the delivery seemed spot on, as if coming from a fast pitch sales dude.

    So if this is audio from the bathroom, shouldn't there be some sort of, like, porcelain echo?

  28. This was a flash of epic proportions. Brilliant and oh so deliciously evil.


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