Monday, June 14, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: L’aughterlife (It’s French)

Contrary to conventional belief, there is comedy in Heaven. If you know anything about comedy, you know it happens on every cloud and metaphor. If, like most people, you know nothing about comedy and require comedians to build in pauses and punchlines for you to laugh at something, then the comedy scene in Heaven is zoned mostly to one building. It is notorious as the only building in the place that gets absolutely no respect. The angels didn’t understand why until Rodney Dangerfield died and became management.

Mr. Dangerfield does not often perform, preferring to book talent and hit on the winged waitresses. Last week Will Rogers did six nights. This week Richard Pryor is doing six, with Sam Kinison opening for five of them. On the sixth night George Carlin will open with an updated, more ironic version of his ‘there is no up there’ routine. Rogers, Pryor, Kinison and Carlin can only perform for six nights as on the seventh professional comedians rest.

Alternative acts show up on the seventh night. Jonathan Swift, Kurt Vonnegut, Erma Bombeck and numerous other authors who all secretly just wanted to tell jokes from a stage finally get the chance. Mark Twain does a killer set using a Samuel Clemens dummy. Sometimes luminaries from other disciplines come in to try out humor, like Homer and Beethoven's “see no evil, hear no evil” routine. And every seventh day, Dangerfield announces that God will be on later “if we have time.” He’s yet to perform.

You may have to be there to get that last one.

There is a lot of laughter at the club that gets no respect. There has to be, because there wasn’t enough on earth. Not the kind that’s worthwhile. When there is enough good humor on earth, the club will finally close down and the patrons will go watch. They’d like it to be soon, but some will admit they hope to get Bill Cosby before then.


  1. I doubt their club will close down any time soon. I liked the idea of the George Carlin 'there is no up there routine'. The Samuel Clemens dummy made me laugh as well. You should be doing stand-up.

  2. Man, what I wouldn't give to hear Carlin's skit on heaven while in heaven. Also:

    "If you know anything about comedy, you know it happens on every cloud and metaphor."

    What an outstanding snippet! Sadly I don't know anything about comedy, but that's just an excuse to grow a deeper appreciation for Carlin and his ilk.

    CAPTCHA word: "minacco". Would be a great name for the Heaven comedy club, perhaps?

  3. I love this concept. You are a Masterful Pun-ster and I was chuckling through the whole piece. If Heaven had a comedy club, that's how it would totally be like. :) I can see the tag line now, "The only tears cried here are from the laughs!" :)

    And Erma Bombeck! Awesome! That's a name I haven't heard in a while. I actually performed a monologue with a story from her "Animal Behavior" book back in the day. She would have been great at stand-up.

  4. God being bumped!

    This was a great way to start the week. Brilliant stuff John.

  5. best line for me: On the sixth night George Carlin will open with an updated, more ironic version of his ‘there is no up there’ routine.

    this was great, john. ingenious idea...

  6. Clever incarnation of these famous names gone by. I did enjoy this quite a bit. Cheers, Kil

  7. Thanks for the laugh, John. I always enjoy your humor.

  8. I'm surprised that someone hasn't thought to do the comedic take on Rock & Roll Heaven before. Must have been waiting for you to do it right! I get what you mean about the club not closing, world needs more laughter, etc. but personally I think earth is pretty damn funny. Your monologues are one example of it.

  9. How amusing! I chuckled at the line about comedians taking a rest of the 7th day.


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