Sunday, July 11, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: A Necessary Getaway (Redux)

He moved north at the first opportunity. Way north. He cut all ties, even to his mother, which was the hardest on him. He was a mama's boy. His hair went white from all the stress, including his beard. He took that as a sign to change his appearance and began dressing in pants as soon as they were invented. All the sedentary hiding made him gain tremendous weight, face filling out, giving him rosy cheeks in the snowy environment. He stayed in doors as much as possible, but always came out around his birthday. It was too lonely, even with the elves that had found him and made camps all around his house. They fashioned him thick, orthopedic boots and gloves that comforted his scarred extremities. It allowed him to take up carpentry again. The gregarious wee folk did so much for his spirits that he reached out to a similar-sized people: children. He still only went south around his birthday, but brought a sack of the toys from his workshop for those boys and girls who had the right attitude. There were always more gifts to give, too, as the elves copied his work and began production for every good child. And associating with children turned out to actually help, for in his old life he had been an average-sized Jew, but to them he was a giant. So his new identity was a jolly mammoth with a white beard and a bag of presents. He was safe. No one down there ever guessed that Santa Claus was an alias.



Today's story is a redux. Above is a slightly modified version of one of my favorite Bathroom Monologues. I've re-posted it for three reasons: to show the touch-ups, as an entry in Deanna Schrayer's Birthday Contest, and in celebration of its Honorable Mention in the Lands Edge Holiday Contest. You can see the republication of the original at Alan Davidson's Lands Edge (and all the wacky comments) by clicking here.

16 comments:

  1. I went through this word-for-word against the contest entry and noticed the sublte changes. It works about the same for me. The 'sub-story' still really blows me away (HO, HO, HO!)

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  2. It might not just be you, Mr. Solender. I'd like to know why, if you'd like to speak up.

    Thanks for the honorable mention, Alan. Your intro was a delight. Ho ho ho!

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  3. I like this version fine... Has your usual wit, zip and flair.

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  4. I really enjoyed this one. Bravo.

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  5. This has always been one of my favorites. :)

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  6. This is perfect, you big ogre. ;)
    Made me laugh out loud. I'm glad you entered it in the contest.

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  7. Clever. Love the part about him being tall in comparison to the children...and Jewish!

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  8. I really enjoyed this. I love your writing and feel that I can learn something every time I read one of your stories. Tehe. I mean Hoho.

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  9. I like how his identity sneaks up on you. Nice!

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  10. Congratulations John - A Necessary Getaway won the contest with 20% of the votes! http://theothersideofdeanna.wordpress.com/2010/08/01/birthday-writing-contest-time-to-vote/
    I'll contact you soon to get your gift certificate to you, and to plan the interview. Congratulations!

    We'll be partying as soon as I wake up. :)

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  11. Woot! Congrats on winning the contest. It's a great story indeed. I wonder how was Santa's former life, heh.

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  12. Congratulations, John! This is a wonderfully inventive story.

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  13. Congrats on winning Deanna's contest, John.

    Ho, ho, this is delightful and excellent. You're very sly, Mr. Wiswell, very sly.

    Loved this story.

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  14. Thanks for the votes and congratulations, folks. I'm glad so many people enjoyed my Santa origin.

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  15. Hey John, did you receive my email, (your gmail account)? I'm not on FB so I can't leave a comment there, and you aren't following me on Twitter so I can't DM you. Please let me know if you didn't get my email (may have gone to junk since "congratulations" was in subject), and let me know the best way to get in touch with you so I can get your gift certificate to you and send you ineterview questions.

    Thanks and congratulations again!

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