Monday, October 11, 2010

Bathroom Monologue: Castlevania Parody, OR, We Love Shelly

Once upon a time where was a barbarian named Belmont. He really hated vampires, like all barbarians do. Barbarians barely wear clothing, so they're very susceptible to vampire bites. This is the same reason most barbarians hate poison ivy.

Belmont looked at all the things vampires were vulnerable against. Sunlight. Holy water. Teen girls who want to show them how to love.

And he said, “Nah, I'll just use a whip.”

The first enemy he encountered was, sadly, not a vampire. It was Frankenstein's Monster.

Belmont said, "Wait, don't you live in Germany?"

The Monster said, "Eh, I was in the Arctic Circle at the end of the book."

"Then why are you in Romania?"

Frankenstein's Monster responded with a jab to the eye. Then they had a climactic boss battle.

The second monster he encountered was a mummy. Belmont worried he’d travelled too far south from his homeland and wound up in Egypt. While he looked outside to check for pyramids, the mummy sucker punched him in his good eye.

Then they had a climactic boss battle.

Afterwards Belmont iced his black eyes and reflected on the scenery. All the street signs were for Castlevania, not Transylvania. And it was pretty weird that the entire city was consumed in castle architecture. His travel book suggested Transylvania was much more modest.

But before he could reflect upon the sites any further, the screen started rising and he had to keep jumping to safety, even though what was three feet below the screen was totally safe flooring. Neither barbarians nor ten-year-olds playing NES understand game design.

When he got to the top of the tower, he encountered the Grim Reaper.

"Wait," said Belmont. "Aren't you several magnitudes of order more powerful than Dracula? What the fuck, man?

The Grim Reaper shrugged.

"Guy's got to have a hobby."

Then they had a climactic boss battle. Afterwards, Belmont was very sad he didn't get to keep the Reaper's sweet scythe. He guess he understood it, though. The Reaper would need it for every ensuing sequel to this wacky series.

Finally Belmont arrived at Dracula's abode. The lord of the vampires was hiding in one room at the very top of the castle, ironically full of windows.

Belmont almost entered to charge him head-on. Then he realized that would be stupid.

Instead he waited for dawn and kicked in the door. Dracula burned to death in seconds.

"That was easy,” he said. He briefly reflected that cheap tricks like this might curse him to perpetually fight this guy in every game for the next decade. That could get old.

He told himself, "At least I'll get a reprieve when they put me in Smash Brothers."

Somewhere the ghost of Nintendo laughed and gave him the finger.


  1. No one will ever understand why NES characters always fall to death on those rising screens. Ditto as to why Mega Man is killed instantly by pointy spikes while bomb-laden missiles cause him to merely lose several bars of health.

  2. This certainly was a good tribute to those old games. They didn't often make a lot of sense, but they were fun to play. Too many great lines in this to choose a favorite.

  3. Perfect parody. What bummed me about this game was that I beat it in just a couple hours. That was it? I still remember it's simplicity in design and difficulty level.

  4. This is perfect on so many levels I fail to comprehend them all.

  5. Even I think this was awesome, and I have very little experience with Nintendo games.


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