Thursday, January 6, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Checklist of pretentious things to do

-Buy the most expensive thing in the candy aisle, then lay it out on platters. Invite the Kaplins over. Do not offer any to them.

-Gatecrash the Oscars with a classic tobacco pipe.

-Learn to play cello well enough to start progressive band with other beginners. Never attend band sessions. Claim to be “working on other projects.”

-Write novel. Title it after a line from Shakespeare.

-Write novel. Title it after a line from Milton that everyone will think is Shakespeare.

-Ask dentist what toothpaste he uses. Upon answer, recommend another brand.

-Home brew own soda. Do not drink any of it because “even with natural sugar it’s dangerously unhealthy.” Order wine racks.

-Wrap presents in pages from The New Yorker. Possible gift: note of subscription to The Atlantic?

-Rename days of week. After what? Moods? TV shows? Brainstorm.

-Design own crossword puzzle. No black squares. All q’s related to 1800s South America.

-Figure out fashion trends. Critique children’s Halloween costumes.

-Learn Japanese. Learn aerodynamics. Attend next Mothra premiere and complain loudly about implausibility.


  1. Hahaha! I would love to try your medication just for one week!

  2. hehehe....not sure why, but the dentist one made me laugh out loud. giggly face

  3. TheMojoWire posted about this on his twitter page and I was delighted to read it. Thank you for the gigles.

  4. I would love to see the days of the week named after tv shows or bands. Could be lots of fun, especially with certain genres.
    Black Sabbath
    Funeral For A Friend

    Adam B @revhappiness

  5. "Ask dentist what toothpaste he uses. Upon answer, recommend another brand."

    You know, I may actually do this the next time I visit a dentist.

  6. I want to try renaming the days of the week... seems like a good writing excercise and pretentious at the same time. It's all good... :D



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