Sunday, January 2, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Holicide

There's an audio edition of today's monologue. To listen either click the triangle on the left to begin streaming, or click this text to download the MP3.

I desperately want to put a disclaimer in front of this one. I'm not going to because I trust you folks.

"Some attack the holidays because of the suicide rate, but I find it adds joy to the season. Consider: did you know this person? It’s a slim chance that he or she was sincerely beloved to you. Mom very rarely kills herself at Christmas - she can only do it once, after all. It's usually some uncle who didn't shower thoroughly enough, or the shady co-worker who spent all his lunch time in WoW, or what’s-her-name, you know, the one who barely ever looked you in the eyes. Ask yourself, living moralists, did you really like these people who are now absent? I think if you did, it would have shown, and those people wouldn't have wallpapered their bathrooms with brain. No, no. In death, these folks are missed. But in life, you had no application for them, and didn't like how they stood so close in the elevator, or how they smelled when they passed you exiting the bathroom, or wore loud tops that clashed with their bland trousers, or whatever trivialities essentially defined their existences in your big universe. They were annoying. Now they’ve given you the best gift of all: they went away. So be of good cheer. It’s that giving time of the year."


  1. "Mom very rarely kills herself at Christmas - she can only do it once, after all."

    Never thought of it that way before John. You're right, it is a once in a lifetime sort of deal.

    You are twisted and of course that's what I like about you. Like the disclaimer disclaimer too.

  2. Wow. I can see why you questioned putting it up, but I thought it was good! Also, the disclaiming of the disclaimer was a nice touch. :)

    Happy New Year!

  3. I still think this is hilarious and I stand by my approval. Glad you did it as a #spokensunday, made it all the more fun. smiley

  4. Excellent! Dark, twisted and apt.
    '...the best gift of of good cheer' I loved the tone of this.
    (although perhaps I'm twisted too)
    Well done!

  5. I don't know if anybody clicked here and swore off ever visiting again. I hope not. But I'm glad for you six that didn't need a disclaimer (or I think you didn't - Tony has me a little worried). This was the monologue I tweeted about some weeks ago, that I hesitated to even post. I want to thank Danni for reading it, catching a typo and convincing me to put it out there.

    Also, it's really nice to have my voice back. Hope y'all enjoyed the recording.

  6. In vino veritas....
    Well written and very true.
    Never hold back and never appologise.Its pleasant to read the words of a real writer for a change. If only the other hacks would just top themselves :)
    p.s. Thanks for dropping by my blog I appreciate your comments.


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