Bathroom Monologue: Holicide

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I desperately want to put a disclaimer in front of this one. I'm not going to because I trust you folks.

"Some attack the holidays because of the suicide rate, but I find it adds joy to the season. Consider: did you know this person? It’s a slim chance that he or she was sincerely beloved to you. Mom very rarely kills herself at Christmas - she can only do it once, after all. It's usually some uncle who didn't shower thoroughly enough, or the shady co-worker who spent all his lunch time in WoW, or what’s-her-name, you know, the one who barely ever looked you in the eyes. Ask yourself, living moralists, did you really like these people who are now absent? I think if you did, it would have shown, and those people wouldn't have wallpapered their bathrooms with brain. No, no. In death, these folks are missed. But in life, you had no application for them, and didn't like how they stood so close in the elevator, or how they smelled when they passed you exiting the bathroom, or wore loud tops that clashed with their bland trousers, or whatever trivialities essentially defined their existences in your big universe. They were annoying. Now they’ve given you the best gift of all: they went away. So be of good cheer. It’s that giving time of the year."