Friday, February 4, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Mr. Goliath, OR, "Goliath Must Be Slain" -Maria Kelly

This story was inspired by Maria Kelly's title, "Goliath Must Be Slain." My initial reaction was, "Must he?" My second reaction was the following dialogue.

"It’s all here. Gold. Fruits. The coastline. We have a lot of resources. That's why your goons are invading us."

"They're not goons. They're my countrymen."

"Do you like your country? Better than here?"

"Well, it's a country. I guess you’ve got nicer gardens."

"You like gardens, Mr. Goliath?"

"Kind of. But in a manly way."

"We don't judge men for liking gardens here. This pink flower? We call it a rockrose."

"That is manly."

"How much are they paying you?"

"A bunch. I'm going to get a lot for killing you all."

"A bunch? What if I pay you two bunches?"

"Two bunches?"

"Three. Three bunches. When I take out my sling, you turn around and attack your guys. Afterward we'll give you three bunches."

"I don't know about this."

"We'll leave them in your garden."

"My garden?"

"We'll set aside one just for you."

"Will... will there be rockroses?"

"You bet there will be rockroses."

"That does sound nice."

"Doesn't it? Just turn on them when you see the sling."

"I don't want to be called a traitor."

"You'll live here! Nobody will call you a traitor here. Everybody'll be very grateful. If foreigners ask what happened, I'll make something up."

"Three bunches..."


  1. This is wicked funny, John. I'm glad they reached a compromise. Just so you know, my Verification Word is "reckless." Fitting, for a Goliath story. :)

  2. I love rockroses, but I don't have a slingshot. So I guess I don't qualify. Good fun, John.

    My verification word is "bocons." No idea what it means, but I'm following Maria's lead here. :)

  3. That was fun. Nice that his head wasn't just turned by more money - but by something he REALLY wanted.

  4. I love that he wanted rock roses. Very manly.

  5. Well, much thanks to Maria for inspiring this fun tale! Love it John!

  6. Never underestimate the shrimp with the deep pockets.

  7. Funny (hilarious) and clever re-imagining. The David and Goliath story has always captured my imagination.

  8. Excellent! That certainly is another way for that story to go... Wonder if we'd have ever heard of the story if it did turn out like that.

  9. Nicely done. As always, no idea how you get there from a bus full of bullies- but that's just your talent.

    And boy, what i wouldn't give for a new country with a garden of rockroses...

  10. Very clever, Goliath can be bribed with three bunches!

    My verification word is "lyzin" which make you wonder if that's what the assumed David was doing…

  11. Maria, glad you approve of this off-shot. Was a little nervous going so far from bully-slaying might tick you off.

    Rachel, no slingshot? That's it for you. Pack up that career of giant-slaying and giant-bribing. I'm sure you'll find another career. Perhaps writing giant fiction (or...tall tales).

    Rol, perhaps money to buy more rockroses.

    Michelle, pink can be manly, I swear. It just needs marketing.

    Deanna, thanks!

    Tony, the meek shall inherit the earth because they're rich!

    David/Doodle, it can be a very inspirational story.

    Eric, I feel like the bribery part of the Bible would have been very interesting.

    Bev, I actually arrived there with her title. I didn't get to read Maria's actual story until this morning. We'll get right on those rockroses for you.

    Mr. FAR, that's right, for the low, low price of just three bunches, you too can have a fearsome giant warrior.

  12. Goliath takes the deal and turns back the Philistines only to find that the valley of the ho, ho, ho, Green Giant is actually in Israel. Cage match at the Garden!

  13. Ha, great story, John. And it's probably closer to the truth than we've been told. :)

    Love this story.

  14. Funny and creative. I like that the dialogue keeps going back to the rockrose-a manly name for a flower.

  15. The geek shall inherit the earth. And a bunch of (very manly) flowers :)
    Adam B @revhappiness

  16. Very funny, John! I always thought that Goliath guy must have hated having to live up to his macho reputation.

  17. Your writing is always so ridiculous, John, and I always love every minute of it. How have I survived without reading your work for so long?

    My verification word is "lationsa" in case you wanted to know :-P

  18. A stone is far cheaper than three bunches.

    John, you are a wicked writer.

  19. Very ogre-ish tale, and manly. Despite the ogre-ness, I liked it. :P

    I don't have a verification word. Must be because of my troll side lining.. Will refresh to see what comes out.

    Hm, came out "scher". Not very troll-ish. Not very manly either. What could I expect from a ogre site?

  20. Harry, what a missed opportunity that was. I could have turned this into the secret origin of the Green Giant! I'm slipping.

    Gracie, if it's closer to the truth than you've been told, and I just told it to you...

    Lara, I was looking up some flora from the region and just had to use that one.

    Adam, how many geeks do you know who love manly-manly flowers?

    John, it's tough being the biggest guy in the yard. A little easier in the garden.

    AM, always nice for you to stop by. But the work is always hear if you feel like catching up.

    Steve, it's still easier to aim three bunches than one rock.

    Mari, "scher" sounds like something a troll might say upon seeing three bunches.

  21. Awesome. Three bunches and some rockroses.

  22. Is it bad that I still see David killing him, only when his back is turned this time? After all, history is told by the winners :P

  23. Omg, how I laughed! Funny! Brilliant!

  24. Seleste, I'm with you. I was sure that the ending (although not written/spoken) was implied--that once the deal was executed (pun intended) David would kill him, too. Now I need to go read Maria's. I was scrolling through Twitter and came to yours first.

  25. Raven, would you do it for any less?

    Susan, I hope you enjoy Maria's. She's making her forays into non-speculative fiction, and you prefer things outside of that realm. Maybe you can share pointers?

    But as far as what both Seleste and Susan raised, darn, he dies anyway? Wasn't my intention. Can't stop you from thinking the big sap gets a rock to the back of the head, though.

    Gany/Catherine, thank you! Glad I got you to laugh.

  26. Turning your back on any of these guys might be a mistake ...! Cute story, John! :-)

  27. That's one version of it. I don't remember it that way in the KJV, the NIV, or the ASV, but hey I never looked in the JWV... until now.


    Word Verification: Cheria - (n) a fruit tree found in one of David's gardens.

  28. So all the pictures I've seen of him getting hit with the stone right in the forehead... those were all FAKES?

  29. Ha, ha, ha. I love it - a David who doesn't want touse his stones and a persuadable Goliath...Good job Goliath liked gardens!

  30. This is fantastic. Dialogue-only stories can be odd but yours really worked. You ever written any screenplays?

  31. Wondermous, Sir. Clever and funny. I also do not own a slingshot, but I do have a cross-bow. Hmmm... peace...

  32. I was always suspicious of the "official" version of this tale. Somehow I much prefer yours.

  33. PJ, so you're recommending they remain facing each other for the rest of their lives? That's a sequel idea.

    Stephen, JWV... Man, that is tempting! Maybe after I finish rewriting American history.

    Tim, not necessarily fakes. Maybe they were depicting another Goliath. It's a common name, isn't it?

    Virginia, yeah, if he hated gardens everything would have gone in the gutter.

    Icy, that's very flattering. I have absolutely no experience writing screenplays. I've been experimenting in dialogue for years now, as it used to be the weakest part of my writing and I had to improve. I am working on a comic script now...

    Linda, I think it's harder to surprise a giant with a crossbow. You'll have to report your results.

    Sam, bribery to coexist, or proof the little guy can kill the big? It's all in what you like to hear.

  34. Rockroses! Awesome. Now I want a garden. You do have a great talent for dialogue.

  35. Love the manly-garden banter. You're right. That sounds like something clever dave would do. Super glad I stopped by to check this out. Always a pleasure John-o.

  36. Nice piece, well done. Oh what he'd do for a rockrose, bless him.

  37. Love it, John! And all dialogue makes it even more special. I do wonder what the 'bunches' will be...maybe 3 bunches of rockroses?

  38. I like the idea that Goliath could be bribed with flowers. Great terms - "bunches", "rockroses". This dialogue reminds me a little of Barthelme's dialogues, which I like very much.

  39. Aaron, go forth and make that garden! Make it good enough that giants can be bribed to stay rather than invade.

    Monica, thanks for stopping by. Sorry my flippant comment on your blog didn't register.

    Brainhaze, just a few. They're so pretty.

    Laura, or three bunches redeemable for rockroses.

    Mr. Marker Starter, I will take any comparison to Donald Barthelme, even unflattering ones. Reminders of his dialogue certainly make me feel good about myself.

  40. Funny stuff. I love that you can write a story entirely of unattributed dialogue. That's talent. I wonder if you have a screenplay in you. I'd like to see a wiswell play I think.

  41. So Goliath's death was just a big cover up? A clever way for him to escape retribution for defecting? Clever! I hope he enjoyed his garden. Just as long as he didn't go on to win the blue ribbon for his rockroses! That kind of publicity could undo all that pr work.

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