Friday, March 4, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Not For a Doomsday Weapon

So Nothning was running away. You know his name, right? That's the little guy whose soul you hid your doomsday weapon in, or whatever the hell is actually going on there. That's one of the two loose ends I don't understand yet. But you scared the crap out of Nothning, and he ran away, and to the best of my knowledge, you have shadowy goons chasing him.

Nothning has two very dear friends. I'm one of them, and I certainly wouldn't have the brass to talk to you if I wasn't. There's me and Furnhang. The three of us have always been very loyal, so when he ran with assassins at his back, we tailed to protect him. In that horse chase, it was Furnhang that brained your guys with a yoke. In case that story's reached here, that was him. Not me. Yes.

Your eyes tell me the stories haven't reached here. Okay. We're little people, except Furnhang. He's the big guy, flowing golden hair. Obscenely attractive. He's in one of your cells. Was captured protecting Nothning.

You don't care. Why would you? You're evil. You’re powerful. You do things.

You should care because of these two ladies. When a guy is that charismatic, love interests follow. The first was this shopkeeper girl. Don't know her name. She never talks to me. Honestly, she's kind of a bitch. She was bent on following the golden-haired guy on his big adventure, which chaffed Pandling. Commander Pandling.

See, the shopkeeping bitch is in a rivalry with Pandling over who's going to bang/marry/live-happily-ever-after with Furnhang. So when Pandling hears that shopkeeper girl is following him to certain death, she's all, "Let me die for him too, and more tragically! Then he'll love me."

A commander doesn't follow somebody into contested territories alone. She is followed by her command, in this case some five hundred highly trained foot soldiers who unquestioningly followed her highly questionable lead. They crossed over and even your army shrank back. Which we appreciated, because you totally would have had us that night if you kept going.

It was pretty startling on our side, too. So startling that Pandling's fellow commanders thought she was making a power play and moved their forces in to steal the glory. That's why you had three hulking commands bouncing into the contested territories instead of one. None of these people were coming to help Nothning. They didn't even know he existed.

Too late. They do now. I told them.

The next part is entirely your fault. I assume it's you, or some paranoid admiral. Because no sooner are Nothning and I kicking back and relaxing, no longer fearing death amongst the thousand-plus heroes around us, then your freaking Serpent Fleet comes sailing up the coast. So now three commands are looking at dozens of corsairs and cannons. Were those warning shots? Because I thought so, but the commanders did not agree. You fired in the vicinity of three overachieving commanders and immediately they called in the aquatic cavalry. That is seriously the only reason you've got an oceanic stalemate right now.

I don't know what brought on the sky-whales. Didn't think those were real until they swooped through the clouds and started eating people. From the number of ogre skeletons in their droppings, I'm presuming your side doesn't have a much better handle on them. We have no idea what they're after. Commander Pandling thinks your cannonfire woke them up. Nothning thinks they're after your weapon.

Good damned luck finding my buddy, by the way. Thanks to everyone overreacting he's got the biggest, bloodiest crowd in creation in which to hide. And if the commands retreat, he’s going with them and letting them have your stupid weapon, even though as I’ve just described, these people are nuts.

But Nothning extends you this offer: if Furnhang and I go back to him alive before sunset, we’re going underground. Permanent style. Your enemy does not get the big doomsday weapon. You don’t, they don’t, and everybody deals with the sky-whales in their own way.

Up to you how this goes. That’s only how it’s unfolded so far. How it’s actually unfolded. Maybe you can team up with the commands and we’ll all survive this mess. I doubt it - I mean, I'll survive. Providing you don't kill me, I'm digging the deepest hole possible and staying down there until the smell of whale droppings fades. I just presume you're going to charge and get everyone killed, because that's the kind of stupid drama this situation seems intent on heading toward.


  1. Wow, really enjoyed reading this! I'd love to hear you record it.

  2. I'm with Icy, John. I'm really curious about what kind of accent you're gonna use!
    Sky-whale droppings - COOL!

  3. So original, yet it feels so familiar; commentary on current events?

    The concept of sky whales is wonderful. I want to know more about all the players.

  4. Yep, this needs to be recorded.

  5. Sky whales. Wouldn't THAT be a sight?

    I think you should record this. I'd love to hear what accent you use and learn more about the characters.

    Have a great weekend!

  6. I'll have to reread this later, after my throat is no longer sore from screaming with laughter. I adore your pieces that build like this one, utterly unpredictable and unfailingly hysterical. I have to agree with everyone else, the sky whales are the final touch of awesome.

  7. Icy, Laurita and Jen, glad you enjoyed it. It looks like the votes are soundly in favor of a recording.

    Cathy, so the sky-whales were a hit. I'll admit, coming up with them made me laugh. I'm relieved I wasn't alone.

    Peggy, what current events parallels do you see? I'm very curious. I guess there are many conflicts in the world right now, and I'm confused over at least one side's experiences in most of them. But this actually spawned out of a joking conversation I had with a friend over Lord of the Rings. The influence, I'm sure you can see.

    Jemma, you're very sweet. Maybe I'll have an audio up by the time you've recuperated.

  8. Sky whale droppings are the most terrifying thing I've heard of all day. Hilarious!

  9. Very nice John! I also think a recording needs to be made :)

  10. Excellent story! I, too, enjoyed the sky whales. Quite an interesting world you created here.

  11. You really must record this, John. It's a Wis-Tale for the ages. #handcuppedtoearwaitingface

  12. Matt, more terrifying to smell, I swear.

    Craig and Danni, okay, if I get a few more votes for it I'll break down and record it, whatever accents may came.

    Eric, the world came together pretty easily after Pandling showed up. Sometimes I get lucky.

  13. And I thought I wrote Crooked Tales. Lmao! That was out there--total fun--but out there. LOVED it! Um...remind me to bring an umbrella next time. Anyone know how to get sky-whale droppings outta your clothes?


  14. Yeah John! Sky Whales with Ogre skeletons in their droppings!!!!

    Large scale, has an epic in two minutes sort of feel to it. Will look forward to hearing it read.

  15. I like the world you've created here. And now I am planning to work the words "sky whale droppings" into a conversation at some point this weekend. :)

  16. Ogre eating sky whales... I'd dig myself a hole too! Gotta love it.

  17. Wonderfully fertile imagination here. Intriguing voice that continues to pull out more and more fantastic calamities in this war that can't be stopped.

  18. Fantastic! Love the proposal and the slightly fatalistic expectation of how it wil be received.

  19. I really enjoyed this John, a very imaginative telling of how things escalate after the initial confrontation.

  20. Anoter vote for the sky whales. That was definitely a hit. Adding the ogre skeletons in the droppins was a nice touch. Apparently, if your shadow grows too big, it's too late. Fascinating piece, John.

  21. I'm casting another vote for you to record this one. Sky whale droppings deserve to be heard!

  22. Sky-whales that like eating flesh. The POV really captures the feel of the dramatic nature of the piece.

  23. Okay, Harry, Aaron and Stephen vote for a reading. I'll try one out tonight.

    Kat, reinforced umbrellas are recommended. Thank you, great comment that perked me up that hour.

    Raven and Lara, I'm glad you liked the handling. Was there anything you particularly enjoyed about that aspect?

    Chuck, see, that's a victory for me. If I can make one person discuss fantasy creature fecal matter, I've changed a life.

    Ganymeder, but would you go talk to Dr. Doomsday beforehand?

    Aidan, thank you for the compliments on my imagination. It entirely carried this ordeal.

    Virginia, do you think he's going to get it? Or will he get away?

    Steve Green, I think a lot of big conflicts can come from nothing. I wanted to play with building one up. The snowballing effect, if you believe the narrator is telling the truth.

  24. This is the best "super villain" monologues of all times.
    The sky whales are a touch of genius and reminded me of Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy.
    Just brilliant.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  25. No, I would not talk to the evil doctor; I'd just hide. Whale droppings are very hard to get out of polyester...

    Superb reading, as always!

  26. "You don't care. Why would you? You're evil. You’re powerful. You do things." Your reading on that was perfect. Love it when you do audio!

  27. Hi, John. I read this before you recorded it and really enjoyed it. Now I've listened to you reading the piece, I can honestly say I enjoyed it even more (didn't think that was possible, but hey ho, always glad to be proved wrong).

    Those Sky Whales are a brilliant idea. So glad I haven't got to clean up after them.

  28. Wow, that was a crazy and wild ride, sort of like the crazy and wild ride we seem so good at getting ourselves into over and over again in the real world. You certainly have a handle on satire, my man.


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