Some of my fellow Americans are concerned that my birth certificate brings my citizenship into question. They fear that a foreigner has usurped the laws and will of our great nation to subvert its government. I can promise to you that I was indeed born on American soil, but I will also confess that the birth certificate you’ve seen is fraudulent.
You see, I was born in Kenya and when I come from, they do not issue birth certificates anymore. Some Americans may be concerned that Kenya is not a state in the present union. To those I say: it will never be. It’s a commonwealth. It was admitted to our great union in twenty-two-eighty-three when we finally gave up that “protectorate” nonsense. That was the same year that Puerto Rico, Turkey and Venus joined the U.S.
I was born three years later at Abraham Lincoln Memorial Hospital in Mombasa, which was firm U.S. soil. In a field trip to the second Dark Ages I fell in love with this rustic, primitive way of life and decided to remain. Manipulating politics with decades of foresight just seemed like the thing to do. This way I could quash burgeoning time traveling projects and prevent any further competition from my own future, leaving this present my own pseudo-democratic playground. Evil? Possibly. But I have done it all as a citizen of the United States of America.
You see, I was born in Kenya and when I come from, they do not issue birth certificates anymore. Some Americans may be concerned that Kenya is not a state in the present union. To those I say: it will never be. It’s a commonwealth. It was admitted to our great union in twenty-two-eighty-three when we finally gave up that “protectorate” nonsense. That was the same year that Puerto Rico, Turkey and Venus joined the U.S.
I was born three years later at Abraham Lincoln Memorial Hospital in Mombasa, which was firm U.S. soil. In a field trip to the second Dark Ages I fell in love with this rustic, primitive way of life and decided to remain. Manipulating politics with decades of foresight just seemed like the thing to do. This way I could quash burgeoning time traveling projects and prevent any further competition from my own future, leaving this present my own pseudo-democratic playground. Evil? Possibly. But I have done it all as a citizen of the United States of America.
Well that clears that up! Of course tomorrow morning Trump will be arguing that Obama is not technically old enough to be prez.
ReplyDeleteNow if only you could get him to give that speech.
ReplyDeleteTrump will develop time traveling to get the endorsements of the Founding Fathers, leading to the terrible revelation that George Washington didn't really chop down the cherry tree, was actually black, and was actually two people.
ReplyDeleteLOL, John - I always knew he was up to no good - ha ha. Nice one :-)
ReplyDeleteI have also heard this argument based on Minor vs. Happersett, point being that both parents were not born in the U.S.:
ReplyDeleteThe Constitution does not, in words, say who shall be natural-born citizens. Resort must be had elsewhere to ascertain that. At common-law, with the nomenclature of which the framers of the Constitution were familiar, it was never doubted that all children born in a country of parents who were its citizens became themselves, upon their birth, citizens also. These were natives, or natural-born citizens, as distinguished from aliens or foreigners. Some authorities go further and include as citizens children born within the jurisdiction without reference to the citizenship of their parents. As to this class there have been doubts, but never as to the first. For the purposes of this case it is not necessary to solve these doubts. It is sufficient for everything we have now to consider that all children born of citizen parents within the jurisdiction are themselves citizens.
Surprising that Trump hasn't brought this up. Probably too easy to argue against it.
PJ, you bought it despite my least-Obama-like voice possible? I think I went into Cronkite territory.
ReplyDeleteSusan, I'd presume that doesn't come up because it would concede his domestic birth, and if they gave up that ground the momentum behind the complaint would erode quickly. Domestic birth is such a given for nationality that it's seen as inane to even try repealing it - switching from this to the uphill battle against domestic birth would be even more difficult than pretending his birth certificate is fake.
I cringed when I saw the title, but I knew, somehow, that you would make me laugh before it was over. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYeah Chuck, I had to run the razor on that one. I figure some people wouldn't even give the story a chance, being so sick of the controversy. Glad I won you over with it, though!
ReplyDeleteJust listened to you reading this, really made me laugh! I've never listened to your audio side before, but its fantastic, totally brings the story alive! I'm a convert...
ReplyDeleteThanks Sam! When I've got the voice for it, I'm always happy to record these. Hoping to maintain at least one a week for #spokensunday.
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