Sunday, May 22, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Self-Defeating Prophecy Audio Redux

This story originally ran on April 19, 2009. Since it got no comments then, I'll presume none of my current readers read it. And if you did read it, please enjoy the brand-spanking-new recording below.

To listen to this brand-spanking-new recording either click the triangle on the left to begin streaming audio, or click this text to download the MP3.

It wasn’t that the end of the world got here, but that too many did. The frost giants wanted to freeze the world, the fire gods wanted to burn it, and the deities of science had all manner of diseases and bombs that would let the humans kill themselves off. Irony was a big seller in the market of The End.

Well humanity saw the many apocalypses arguing and came up with a clever idea. One would-be leader went up to them and proposed the agents of Armageddon end each other, and whichever was left would be announced the most effective, and then get to end the world. The last doomsday standing, as it were, would win.

Eager to get some sort of destruction in, they began ending the crap out of each other. Polar ice caps melted and extinguished exalted volcanoes. Meteor showers decimated android armies. Cataclysmic earthquakes swallowed up dragons, rendering global warming utterly irrelevant.

And yet not a single human was slain in the battle royale. Only the Angels of the Rapture wised up, and only in time to see the last humans' spaceships leaving earth for new worlds. Then the dragons and gods had nothing but an empty planet to destroy. And frankly, with all the trees and none of the pop music, they didn’t want to. They leveled a few cities and had a picnic in the shade of former skyscrapers instead. The sum total of all destructive potential grabbed some sun tan lotion and relaxed.


  1. I like this one. Thanks for making me smile. :o)

  2. And all this time I thought we were screwing things up on our own! Very clever, John.

  3. Now THAT'S the way to have an 'end of world' party. Thanks for the Sunday chuckle.

    "Irony was a big seller in the market of The End." -loved that line...

  4. I knew you'd have a great way of writing about this. You didn't disappoint.

  5. You hook me with the first sentence and then bring on the frost giants, fire gods, android armies, dragons . . . and then I like how the humans escape and the various forces of destruction are careful to protect themselves from skin damaging UV rays.

  6. "...with all the trees and none of the pop music, they didn’t want to." Ha ha! I loved that line.

    A very creative end of the world story, John!

  7. Glad you all got a kick out of it. Just one more story in this series, coming up Tuesday.


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