Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Athenaists

Athena slapped the newspaper against her gilded breastplate. Her grey eyes brightened with joy.

“Did you see that headline? Fastest growing group in America.”

Aleus looked up at his mistress. “The unemployed?”


She was on the verge of dancing on the edge of Olympus. Her bare feet skittered and wove along the edges of clouds.

Aleus set the tea aside. He approached cautiously, uncertain if this was one of her jokes.

“And you’re… excited about that, Madame?”

“It’s been ages since I had so many adoring fans. Really pissed me off when the feminist movement didn’t worship me.”

“Pardon, Madame?”

“I barely got three prayers out of the whole cult.” She clutched the paper to her chest and doubled over the heavens to peer down onto the mortal coil. “You know I was at the first bra burning. Heroic endeavors and all that.”

“You think the atheists worship you?”

She straightened. Aleus thought this was when the punchline would come, but instead her face contorted with disdain. She pointed to herself. “Hello. ‘Athena?’ All those Atheists must love me. It’s the clearest endorsement since Athens.”

“Madame, I don’t think…”

“Look at all the scientists in there. I’m the goddess of wisdom. Of course they love me. I’m going down to earth immediately. What do you think? Classic robes or modern power suit? I don’t want to come off too… you know. Hillary Clinton.”

“I really think that’s just going to upset them.”

“You think it’d intimidate some to meet me in the flesh?”

“Something like that, Madame.”

She resumed her perch over the mortal coil, grey eyes singling out her special little folk. “Maybe I’ll go as a talking owl. Ease them into the grace of their mistress.”

“Perhaps that’s for the best, Madame.”


  1. Oh, man- I was chuckling before the end but the talking owl punchline got a full gaffaw out of me!

  2. Just toooooooo funny! I'll have to remember that. "Oh, you're an Athenaist? Do you prefer her in her woman or owl form?"

  3. Funny and clever. I needed a good laugh to start the day.

  4. Oddly all makes sense.

  5. This is the goddess of wisdom? haha

  6. Wow, I never realized I worshiped Athena. Learn something new every day I guess...

    For goddess of wisdom, she's a bit thick; isn't she? :)

  7. Being a great fan of the myth mashup, I just loved this. Poor poor modern gods, they suffer so.

  8. A whole lot of fun, John. Very clever.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  9. I'm so god damn delighted by this, I don't even know what to do with myself.


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