Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Conscience Transplant

"Neuroscientists have tried many ways to alter human behavior. They've strapped hoodlums into chairs with classical music and horror videos playing. They've wired men's nerves into living terminals. But we believe the human being is a human body. If you want saliva, you need a tongue. If you want pancreatic juice, you need a pancreas. A good person requires some good organs.

"Submitted for your approval, an organ extracted from electric eels. Sewn amongst the appropriate part of the human being, it will shock the patient upon inappropriate behavior. The shock is both more severe and more targeted than mere electrodes in the brain. Thirty-three percent of test subjects even reported a pleasant buzz upon appropriate behavior. Electro-shock therapy is a sham if it doesn't come from a human being's own conscience. The brain can lack empathy and fail to trigger the appropriate response to evil. But this organ? It's the world's first ever conscience transplant.

"The first three subjects were investment bankers and loan officers. Before you get ideas of vengeance for recent depressions, know these were the panel of experts that denied our lead engineer funding for his aquarium. It was going to be beautiful. It still will be, once the conscience transplant takes off.

"We just need a little starter cash."


  1. Thanks for the investment tip! Have these been tested on politicians yet? He he


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