Thursday, July 7, 2011

Bathroom Monologue: Inventing Homer

This is a light update of a 2008 Bathroom Monologue. You can read the original here. The remake is dedicated to Judge and Danni.

"Homer, aren't you done with your epics yet?"

"Well maybe if somebody would invent paper I wouldn't have to do it all in my head."

"We gave you listening boys--"

"Because when I'm composing, what I really need is brats rolling their eyes at my epic meter."

"How can you tell? I thought you were blind."

"You don't know because nothing has been recorded about me. I only gave you the foundation of European literature, so no hard feelings about giving me less press in my day than Paris Hilton."

"Bitter, old--"

"Is it recorded that I'm deaf now? Get out and don't come back until you've developed something more durable than parchment. This is immortal work, I want this stuff written down, but I'll feed myself to the dogs before I let it get lost in a library fire."

"We don't have dogs in our--"

"Do I have to invent the fucking metaphor around here? It was hyperbole! Get out!"

When it sounded like the intermediary had left, Homer sat down in the cool shade and rubbed his temples. When was someone going to invent coffee?

He began again, "Muse, sing to me of..."


  1. I've often thought there would be far fewer of us writers if we had to rely on an old Underwood. I imagine fewer still pre-metaphor with quill and parchment.


  2. Can I get some "listening boys" to follow me around my house? That way I could do housework and write at the same time. That would make my life so much easier.

    I have children so I'm used to having eyes rolled at me when I speak.

    Hilarious John!

  3. Thanks for reposting, John! I loved it all over again. #happyface


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