Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Writing For Millions

Everybody wants to be a writer and they should. Go to any bookstore and read the names. Stephanie Meyer. J.K. Rowling. The Da Vinci Code Guy. I never hear about these people collecting garbage or working at Wal-Mart. Writing must be all they have to do, which means they have to get paid a lot. Now look at the whole bookstore. That’s a lot of writers, all getting paid millions of dollars. And it’s so easy to write!

I read a book by Mark Twain once and it sounded like how people talk. Imagine how easy it was for him to just write what he’d say. You could talk into a tape recorder for a while and then pay someone else to type it out for you with the millions of dollars all writers get paid.

But if you are old fashioned and want to write by hand, that’s fine. All you have to do is sit and type. You don’t even have to type that much. Ernest Hemingway once said that if you write a page a day then you have a 365-page novel at the end of the year. I’ve never checked his math but assume he’s right because he’s famous. So if you write about a page, you’re pretty much done for the day. Thanks to Spell Check you don’t even have to edit anymore.

Also, I never heard of Hemingway doing anything but writing and getting drunk. Again: writing is a sweet job since you don’t have to do anything else in your whole life.

I don’t really know how publishing works, but you get paid in a lot of ways. There’s the advance before you even write it, then they pay you when you give them the book, and royalties when they start selling it. Since you get millions every time, that’s three million for one book. You get even more millions after they make a movie out of it. A lot of movies are based on books, so I assume all books become movies that pay you extra and you don’t even have to pay taxes on that.

It’s not all fun, though. Eventually your hand cramps up from signing so many autographs and people who are scared of crowds might get nervous from being stopped and fondled on the street by their flocks of teen fans. I’m sure it gets annoying eventually. It’s probably why Hemingway drank. I don’t know because I’ve never read his books. But what I’m saying is that if you’re not ready to be rich and really popular, writing might seem overwhelming. Fortunately book tours and interviews are totally optional since they pay you the same no matter what.

I’d tell you more but this is almost a full page. So in conclusion, I want to write because it’s easy and pays a lot.


  1. Ah John if only that was true eh! As always very amusing ^__^

  2. Har! Was that dug out from the school archives? Perhaps a grade 8 paper on Career Day? Nice chuckle...

  3. Ah, just a page a day. So simple, why didn't I think of that?

  4. I'm just gullible enough to believe you. But didn't you leave out an additional point: you don't need talent either; incoherent ramblings should net the millions as easily as Shakespearean dialogue.

  5. Heehee, anyone can write, right?

    I had the same thought as Alan but pegged it at 5th/6th grade. Reminds me of the kid who said he wanted to be a preacher; his parents were so proud they got him to stand up in church that Sunday. He said: "When I grow up, I want to be a preacher. They only work one day a week and there's nothing good on TV on Sunday morning anyway."

    Wonderful chuckle.

  6. Dan Brown does have a mundane job - he shovels trash. How do I know this? Because I've read his books. :-p

  7. One page a day. Why didn't I think of that? And no editing. This is a great gig.

    I love this sneaky little bit: "I don’t know because I’ve never read his books."

    Clever you.

  8. Ha! My favorite part was "I don’t know because I’ve never read his books."

    Seriously funny! Actually, can I use those two words together? I don't know, because I'm a writer and that's what an editor is for. :D


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