Friday, March 16, 2012

Bathroom Monologue: Drowning World Turtle


Nowadays it’s impossible to imagine the world without apocalypses. The imps built palaces in the sky to rule from above and were dashed by comets. The gremlins thought it was their turn, built automatons to do all the heavy lifting for their empire, and the autos turned on them. An electrical storm reduced the autos to blank statues, humanity thought it was finally their turn, and in the middle of a perfectly nice day reality ripped open the sauropods came back. It’s as natural as seasonal cycles. Yet if you consult the oral legends of the oldest races, the centaurs and the nine-legs, and the remaining records of the gremlins, you find common references to a First Apocalypse.

All land once floated on the back of a World Turtle, which swam either among the stars or in what today we call the oceans. A big son-of-a-something, and healthy, such that all the world’s plants grew from its shell. Since it was green, most of the flora were forests. Thick jungles that consumed lumbering beasts, toughening the sauropods and cyclopes, so that all life was hardy, ruled under the Four Gods.

And there were gods, captains of this Great Ship World Turtle. One would wander down to its slippery head and whisper, “I feel like inventing ‘East’ today. Find a new direction and name it that.” And it would comply, because turtles are prone to peer pressure.

So one day the Goddess of the Sky climbed down the World Turtle’s neck and whispered, “You notice that yellow thing up there that makes days possible? Swim over to that. I want to know what it’s like.”

Then she climbed up to the highest point on the World Turtle’s shell for the best view of the sun. But while she mounted, the God of the Depths climbed down the World Turtle’s neck. He whispered, “That nasty thing’s hot. How about we dive? See what’s under the waters of the world?”

Then he scampered off to the apex of the shell, expecting to get the best view of his desires. Yet as he ascended, the Goddess of Mystery rode the rivers between the plates of the World Turtle’s shell down to its ear. She cupped its beak and whispered, “Why did we ever start going forward? We never saw all of what was at the beginning of creation. Can’t you go backwards for just a few eons so I can see everything back there?”

To the World Turtle’s credit, it both began to dip under the waves while it about-faced, seeming to concede to two demands at once. Upturning so dumped a thousand sauropods into the surf and enraged the God of Boldness, who had been teaching them beach sports. He tumbled down the World Turtle’s slope, jabbing a javelin into its scalp to hold on.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he chastised. “We’re making headway. We might see where creation ends if you just kept the bearing. We need to find what else is out there.”

The Goddess of Mystery hadn’t yet departed, and so contested his virtue. Their argument whirled into a tempest, the ferocity of which was only split when the Goddess of Sky and God of the Depths coming roaring down at each other. The desires of the four were irreconcilable, and none were willing to go second. They argued for so long that some of the lesser critters had to develop free will just to go on living, and they would have kept going forever if the World Turtle hadn’t stopped. Its continental body drifted, listless, unable to obey so many commands.

The Four Gods quit its head, unable to argue the World Turtle into submission with three dissenters. After it became obvious none could coerce each other, they split separate ways. That’s why none of them had alibis.

Tragedy struck at dusk. Jungles suddenly wilted to nothingness. The continental shell cracked and powdered into soil. Countless species died from the sudden shock of our world being born. Mortals rushed to the great head and found it dangling under the tide. Someone had drowned the World Turtle.

There were only four capable of such feats, though no one saw which God did the deed. Sky accused Depth, Depth accused Mystery, Mystery suspected Boldness, and Boldness pointed fingers at them all. They dragged each other to Celestial Court and have spent all known history simultaneously arguing four homicide cases. It is very difficult to out-argue someone who is nigh-omniscient and exists outside time; more difficult still to reconcile four such people who are all intentionally playing obtuse for argument’s sake. Allegedly we’ll know when they reach a verdict, as they’ll restore order to this world – or it’ll be another apocalypse.

For the cyclopes, sauropods and other beings, it was a confounding dusk. There was all beloved life, drifting on a dead turtle, with no supervision from the Gods, and mildly curious how their fellow surviving life-forms tasted. It’s small wonder things went wrong after that.

29 comments:

  1. A brilliant new mythos to explain the persistence of lawyers in an otherwise rational universe.

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    1. Theology has long introduced the notion of celestial litigation.

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  2. These stories never fail to amaze me. Whether it’s a new spin on a fairy tale, a Greek myth or something sci-fi you manage to blend the old and familiar with your characteristic humor and make it sound as if that’s the way the story was always told. Seamlessly spun. Love it!

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    1. Thanks Bev! It was fun to experiment with hearsay about the distant past of this world.

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  3. Sounds like things are better off without the four selfish gods. Poor, easily influenced turtle!

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    1. Do you say that because you disliked their personalities, or because the apocalypses listed in the first paragraph sounded fun?

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  4. Sounds like things are better off without the four selfish gods. Poor, easily influenced turtle!

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  5. Seems like the gods need to learn to work together and take better care of their creations! I can imagine that's exactly how anthropomorphic gods would behave. Love the way this holds together.

    Just remember, it's turtles all the way down!

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    1. Unfortunately the God of Cooperation was out sick that day.

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  6. Fantastically inventive stuff again, John. Really nice flow to it too, I felt.

    "..because turtles are prone to peer pressure." Love this line.

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    1. Did anything particularly seem to achieve flow for you? Thanks, Jack!

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  7. I really felt for the poor turtle here. I know what it's like to have to juggle competing demands made by humans so I'm impressed he remained so calm in the face of such squallish demands by the gods. Disgraceful that one or more of them felt the need to kill him when they should have been having a closer look at themselves, especially when the alternative was a continual state of apocalypse.

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    1. I really ought to have included the fifth suspected outcome, which if you've ever been overwhelmed like I, you likely know.

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  8. Well, it's not my faith, but it is a great story! :)

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    1. Anything in particular get you to laugh, Tim?

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    2. My two favorite lines are "because turtles are prone to peer pressure." and "mildly curious how their fellow surviving life-forms tasted."

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  10. There was something of the Discworld books about this. Gentle humour mixed with the apocalypse...can't go wrong!

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    1. It's not the first time my world had gotten compared to Discworld. It's flattering, even if it is likely primarily because we both have really big turtles somewhere in our backstories.

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  11. WOW!!!

    The immensity of this makes me feel very, very small.

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    1. Thanks Steve! Did anything in particular achieve that sense of scope for you?

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    2. I think whenever I let my mind dwell on the scale of whatever is "Out there" it gives me the sense of littleness.

      I have read of a turtle "carrying creation on its back" before, I think it may have been in Stephen King's IT, but I'm not sure. This does not detract from the wonderfully imaginative story you have created here John, it is brilliant.

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  12. I agree with Icy my first thought when reading this took me to Discworld, but as it progressed it reminded me of the news glimpse we get into the house of parliment when they are sitting ^_^ We're the turtle and their arguing is killing us.

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  13. and I thought we were in a mess?? Some kind of family feud gone wrong..brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "elephant in the room"
    All that editing has brought out some natural LSD in your brain J.. great stuff!

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  14. I should probably read this one twenty to thirty times. Afterward, I might be able to explain half the metaphors you create so naturally. Can't fit in all those readings, however, so for now I'll just mention that I loved the mix of comedy and tragedy, and that your imagination never ceases to amaze.

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  15. I feel for the turtle -- peer pressure - ha! Nicely done, John. I loved how the four gods were not fire water air etc but Boldness Mystery Sky and Depths - so creative.

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  16. Beautiful! You were so inventive yet true to a mythos feel, I had to double check to be sure it wasn't a simple retelling. Your humor was charming. Clever re-imagining of the four gods as well. Thanks for this, John.

    Take care,
    JC

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  17. John, you are such a bad ass writer. Every story is so...good. Like chocolate. Yes. And this one, a way of explaining, wait what did Tony say? That. Loved it.

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